Love with Abandon BLOWOUT SALE!!!

Hey friends! It's me, Amy, again! :)
(so blessed to have been hijacked! TWICE!!)
If you've been watching, we are pulling out ALL THE STOPS to finish our fundraising to get our dear Esty HOME FOREVER.
I have ONE FINAL thing to offer up…

Our Toby Esty Tees (also known as Love with Abandon tees!) are going to be offered for a limited time for  SEVEN DOLLARS SHIPPED!!!!!
That's right.
$7.
No shipping.
We have LIMITED QUANTITIES of:
LARGE
XL
and
XXL
So if you want to bless a friend with this awesome shirt or you want to keep it for yourself…click away on the button below and I'll send them out ASAP!!!
LIMITED QUANTITIES!!! (We want them gone and Esty HERE!!!!)

(By the way, these are completely original and this is the ONLY place you can get one of these!!)

:)

These fabulous shirts have been lovingly designed by our friend and are screen printed on high quality fabrics that you will go back to over and over again!

Our original design is so special in many ways...the Chinese character is "ai" which means "love." We "love with abandon" because Jesus abandoned His right to Heaven, nobility and so much more in order to sacrifice His life on our behalf. (read Philippians 2:6-8) We lay down our own agendas, plans, and dreams in order to love the way Jesus has called us to--and find it SO MUCH BETTER! This "love with abandon" looks differently in each person's life. How does it look for you?

The verse on the back is our motivation that propels us to act. (I John 4:19) It is only because we have been shown such a lavishing love that we ourselves can love.

All proceeds from shirt sales will help bring Toby Esty home!

We are SOOOO CLOSE to going to get her!! 

Adult Tee BRING ESTY HOME SALE!! $7

Large XL XXL

A 2nd Grader's Widow's Mite

My eyes are still wet.
I sat here with Oliver before bed, watching the video about a sweet girl who is DESPERATE for a family to choose her. Her video is compelling and it breaks your heart to see her plea for a family...and break into tears. The nanny tells her softly, "No, don't cry. Don't be sad."
But it is just so, so sad.
Oliver and I watched it.
He said very little. He's an inward processor. Very UNlike his momma! ;)
He asked me about Esty, "Why can't she walk, Momma?" 
I explained spina bifida. I explained incontinence.
I then shared that she's been waiting (like the girl in the video) for NINE YEARS for a family to come for her.
It's longer than he has been alive.
His eyes widened.
Still, he said nothing.
He then asked me about the money we needed to go get her.
"How much more do we need?"
"$21,000."
"How much would we need if we just started?"
"$29,000."
"So...we only need $2,000?" he asked quietly.
"No, actually a lot more than that. Twenty-one thousand," I shared.
"Ohhhh. That's a lot." 
Yes. Yes it is.
But God is WAAAAY bigger.
He was gone then. Not sure even when or how he snuck away. The next thing I know he has returned with his wallet open and he is handing me two dollars.
"Mom, I want to give this to bring Esty home." he said with his hand holding the two Washingtons.
"Oh Oliver, are you SURE? Maybe you want to keep it for later when you are with Esty?" I offered.
"No, mom. I want to get her home. This is all the dollars I have. Please take it." 
And he smiled.
I'm in tears again as I write.
It's just like the widow that Jesus praised in Luke chapter 21:

² He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. ³ “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. ⁴ All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

I held the two dollars and prayed over them. So precious. Gifts of the heart. My boy. Esty's future brother.
Sometimes people question whether adopting other children into your family is "fair" to your biological children. I wonder if it's fair NOT to. God is using the adoption of Esty in a powerful way in many people's hearts...and I think Oliver is one of them.
I'd love to share the precious video he and I watched together tonight. You never know, it might spark something in you or your children's hearts too. Emily NEEDS a family!!! And so do SOOOOOO MANY OTHERS!!!

What NOT to Say/What TO SAY to a Friend Who Has Miscarried--A Guide for Helping

I spent a bit of my Sunday afternoon in the ER waiting room with a friend's children while their mommy was inside.
She was getting the news that would devastate her heart.
She had indeed miscarried her baby.
oh.
Fortunately her husband was able to be there with her when the nasty news was confirmed. I am so grateful for that.
She rounded the corner and fell into my arms and sobbed.
There is no pain like that of losing a child.
And yes, a miscarriage COUNTS.
It matters not how far you are along in your pregnancy.
Trust me. I've lost three babies. Three different trimesters.
THEY. ALL. HURT.
So to you who know someone who has just miscarried a baby, I want to help you know what to say and what NOT to say. How to love on a friend or family member who has entrusted YOU with the knowledge that they are grieving the loss of their baby is a big responsibility. Your heart is right. You care. Let's go down this list together:
Here's what NOT TO SAY:
* "You can always have another baby." No. Not always. And this comment is NOT encouraging as it gives no credence to the fact that she just lost a child. A unique life that will never ever be replicated.
* "Well at least you weren't that far along." Think this makes her pain less? Wrong. The NANO-SECOND a mother learns she is carrying life within her she falls in love. The bonding of a woman with her child in utero defies words. If she only knew of her child one DAY it would still hurt.
* "Well, I knew a woman once who miscarried FIVE babies in a row!" Don't do this. Please. You have just shrunk your friend's very real and tangible pain by this story. Granted, this is indeed a horrifying story.  You do NOT need to share every story you know with her. Not to mention this causes fear in her heart that maybe it will happen again to her. She doesn't need that.
* "This too shall pass/You'll get over it." Um, huh? Please. Just pray that God will hold his hand over your mouth instead. This is her grief work, not yours. You won't help her by telling her this will pass and she'll get over it.
*"At least you already have 2 (or however many) healthy children!" Yes, she is grateful. But this is NOT comforting in the loss of this baby. She lost THIS BABY. She misses this one. Don't count her blessings FOR her. She will do it on her own. *"There was probably something wrong with the baby, that's why this happened. It's nature's way of cleansing." This is NOT helpful. But so dreadfully common! Do you see that this is implying that a child who is born with a birth defect or a special need is a lesser person? Less deserving of life? Do you see that this is under the category of what NOT TO SAY? Please, hold your tongue here too. Trying to NOT get on my soapbox...
*"These things happen for a reason..." Usually followed by a little pat-pat on the hand. Honestly? I hate that. It feels like you've just blown off the depth of the pain she's enduring. Just put your hand on her back and be silent.
*"Will you try again soon?" Honestly, I cannot fathom anyone asking such a question. But my friend told me this was one of the things that really put her under. Dudes, don't ask. None of your business.
*"Maybe you should look into adoption." As a mom of biological children, who has lost three times and now adopted children...this is not a suggestion you should make to a grieving mother. Adoption is not a second string plan of building a family. I know plenty of families who choose adoption before even attempting to have biological children. Adoption is a personal decision, not something anyone should suggest someone else do.
*"Maybe it was something you did?" this comment has been followed by a person's experience of doing hard labor--scrubbing floors or something. As if we could kill our children by cleaning. (Please, if this were true there would be no children born to impoverished mothers in third world countries who must cut down trees for charcoal and work in the rice paddies.) This is pretty far off in left field for someone to say such a thing, but I am not making these up. I'm not. Really.
*"Maybe this just isn't the right time for your family." OR "Well you really weren't in a good position for a baby right now." This is also not a real nice thing to say to a grieving mother. I promise you, she would move all heaven to be with that baby right now. Convenience doesn't matter. A mother's grieving heart is going to think of these things anyway...and possibly wonder with a guilty conscience that she actually WISHED her child away...
*"Now you have a guardian angel looking down on you." This is just theologically incorrect. People who die do not become angels. It's a sweet thought, but wrong. Please don't say this. See below for what to say instead of this one.
*"Call me if you need anything." She will not call. No woman I know who is hurting can muster up the memory of WHO said that to her let alone what in the world to ask for. And even if she could remember, she's not going to call you and ask if you'd just bring her some comfort food.

WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY/DO TO A FRIEND WHO HAS MISCARRIED:
*"I'm so sorry." She is too. You've just joined her where she is. This is comforting.
*"This hurts." You don't have to have had this same experience to acknowledge that this hurts. If you meet someone who has just had their leg cut off in a motorcycle accident you don't have to  have had yours cut off too to recognize that this hurts. Acknowledging her hurt allows her to be honest where she is.
*"Your baby is a treasured creation of God. His or her life is not lost. They are safe in the arms of Jesus." Truth. You can never go wrong.
*"Can I take your other children for a few hours this week?" 
*"I'm bringing you a meal. Is it okay for _____day? What time do you typically eat?"
* Be silent. Give her a hug. Rub her shoulder. 
*If she is in the mood to talk--LISTEN. Ask her how she is feeling. If she answers about how she feels physically, listen. If she answers how she is feeling emotionally, listen. Ask her about the one she did not answer. Give her the option not to answer: say, "If you'd rather not talk now, I understand." Follow with a hug.
*If you have lost a child yourself, share this with her if you are comfortable. There is a great community of mothers who have miscarried. It's a silent community as we do not wear a badge to mark us, but we are many and we are out there. When you share your story, be sensitive to not go on and on. This is HER TIME now. Just let her know that you have experienced it too. Call her over the next weeks and check in with her.
*Send her a card. 
*Remind her of the ever-present love of Jesus. Sit down and write out some of the verses that YOU like when things are rough or you don't understand. Sharing from your heart is a wonderful gift.
*Call her in a week and specifically ask her how her heart is doing. Ask her how she is physically feeling. Ask if she's sleeping. Would she like to go out for coffee/ice cream? Set a reminder on your phone to do this. It sounds robotic, but seriously, we get so lost in our own lives...it's not that we don't care...but we get busy and soaked in with OURSELVES. When your reminder comes up, your heart will be refueled with compassion and your friend will treasure that you have remembered her.
*Go over to her house and clean some bathrooms. Fold a load or two of laundry. Tidy some rooms. Wipe down some countertops. Blow through the kitchen with a broom. A tidy environment always is encouraging! She is then not surrounded by the negative "to do" list staring her in the face!
Can you add anything to the list above? Comment below and help me make this list more complete!!

Wounded Children in Healing Homes

I went to a training last night, it was called:

Wounded Children, Healing Homes

The workshop was given by Jayne Schooler and she authored this book pictured here. (Yes, I'm totally going to get it on my Kindle!!)

I learned more about the impact that trauma has on children...

the 5 critical times when trauma can be inflicted

and how

trauma

inter

upts

develop

ment.

Children hurting. Children who were victims.

Innocence. Robbed.

Then the workshop shifted to how to become and maintain being a

HEALING HOME

for the children who suffer from trauma, neglect and abuse.

It was fascinating.

Some people would say, "there's no way I would mess up my family and take that risk,"

others might say, "I might do that after my real children have grown up and moved out,"

still others might say, "that's really heroic what you are doing for those kids, but I never could."

And then there are those of us that have said

YES
to the fatherless
to the hurting
to wounded
right now:

we know the work that it is.

the feeling of utter exhaustion.

the daily wondering if we can do it all over again.

But then we find strength in HIM.

He who called us.

His Word encourages. It lifts us up.

I hear His Word in my mind as I climb the stairs on an exhausted evening with toddlers hollering at various levels throughout the house, "Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength..." Isaiah 40:31a

I wonder, do those who say they could NEVER do this,

        do they wonder what they are missing?

We almost backed out of adoption back in 2010. We had been told a horror story that was enough to scare the eyebrows off of anybody.

But the Lord softly spoke to my husband's heart, "Let Me bless you," and we trusted and moved forward anyway.

I watched a video tonight posted by my blogging friend, Adeye.

She and her family have adopted many times. (I just did a re-count. They have 9 kids!) Recently they brought home a beautiful but very wounded daughter, a 14 year old who weighed just 14 pounds from the neglected corner of an orphanage in Bulgaria.

I cannot speak to what it must have been like to first meet her, and see her condition in the moment by moment.

But I see NOW the video she just posted a few hours ago of their daughter, deeply traumatized, horrifically delayed

but

now

full

of

joy.

She has for the first time experienced love.

For the first time felt safe.

For the first time known that her cries would be answered.

And that does something amazing for a wounded child.

For the first time, she can laugh! LAUGH! Can you imagine?! When your entire life is based in fear and wondering if your most basic needs will be met...she is LAUGHING NOW!!!

Please, I encourage you to take a look at the "laughter and everlasting joy" on the face of their beloved daughter, Hasya. Click here to read this post and watch her video of her daughter responding to the loving touch of a brother and her father.

And you'll want to stick around and read more. It's deeply inspirational.

And I take great courage, and I want you to as well: we CAN be a healing home for wounded children.

Prayer Alarms!

Passing on a little tip I learned from sweet Aunt Mary...

Use your smart phone as a tool to instigate prayer in your heart.

That's right.

Technology goes spiritual!! 



Here's what I did after her inspiration:

I set alarms on my iPhone for each of my children and my man.

Using their birth dates, I turned them into times--for example: Oliver's birthday is October 22nd, so I set an alarm for 10:22 am with the note, "Pray for Oliver" to pop up on my phone. I chose a fun drumming sound.

This alarm will repeat daily, so each day at 10:22 am I will be reminded whatever I am doing to pray for Oliver. Obviously, I can pray whatever comes to my mind at that moment or for whatever activity he is currently doing or...I may go find him on the weekends and just hold him and pray for him.

This little handy idea has me shooting up a prayer for my most important people everyday AT LEAST ONCE.

(They truly deserve hours and hours of daily prayer, but if they want lunch, then we are going to settle for these little dart prayers! And yes, it is TOTALLY my goal to be praying for all needs while I do other tasks too...but reality is that I GET DISTRACTED EASILY and these little alarms are perfect for me!)

I've done this for each of my children (yes! including Toby!) and also my husband.

And I've also taken our anniversary and created a "pray for our marriage" alarm as well. I must say, that I haven't spent concentrated time praying about us like this. And really, those little one minute prayers  can really add up...as well as have an impact on my heart.

How easy is it to have the alarm go off, pray for our marriage, then send off a little text message about how I adore him and can't wait for him to come home?

It's the little things.

And so, I thank dear Aunt Mary for modeling prayer using technology for me!

Who knows? Maybe my sweet friends who read here will do it too! What might happen in our lives and marriages if we add just little prayers each day?

I know I can't wait to see!!

Beautiful Things--Our Story

This is the video that God showed me in my mind while driving to an appointment earlier this week. "Beautiful Things" by Gungor came on the radio...and I watched the story of my life go by.

I was filled with joy and sheer awe. Tears were in my eyes and my heart was bursting!

Sometimes when you are living in a story, you don't always see the big picture!

God put this video together in my mind...and I came home and created what I saw. Special thanks to Brian Bagley for our airport homecoming footage!

As you see, Toby is patiently waiting for us to come for him. We are in the final weeks preparing to travel to bring him home! We still have $8,500 yet to raise in order to travel.

We have been graciously blessed by our church, Crossroads of Wauseon and Lifesong for Orphans, with a matching grant! Every amount given up to our grant will be DOUBLED! All money after that amount will come 100% to our adoption account payable for our adoption expenses. 

Will you prayerfully consider a gift to help us finish the task of bringing Toby home?

You can easily give online using the link on our sidebar: Lifesong for Orphans. Please follow the instructions below the picture.

However, if you would like to avoid the 1.9-2.9% Paypal service fee please write a check directly to Lifesong for Orphans. Your gift is tax deductible.  In following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non-profit organization. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor's suggested use. 

Mail checks to:

Lifesong for Orphans

PO Box 40

202 N. Ford St.

Gridley, IL 61744

Please write: Preference SHAW 3330 in the memo line.

We are forever grateful for the ways others have helped us fulfill what God has called us to do. In the words of Ashley Moreno,"We have been called to help heal, with God's help, a child who has suffered the profound damage of being unwanted and unloved. We are obediently living out the command given in James 1:27 to care for the orphan, clothing the gospel of Christ's redemption in flesh and blood. We are asking the body of Christ to come alongside us prayerfully and financially...to become part of the miracle of what God is doing!" 

Getting so excited!

Early morning hours I wake and think of Toby. 

I think of the funds we have yet to raise.

I think of to do lists like packing, meals, childcare for the others, itineraries and visas.

And although it was maybe NOT the smartest use of wee-morning-hour-wakings...I made a word cloud!

You can make one of your own on the tagxedo site too! Would love to see what you come up with! :)

...Is it naptime yet?

One Thread of Hope Left...Vitaliy's Story

My sweet praying friends, we must continue to PRAY!

Precious dear little Vitaliy was not ruled for in a Russian court of law last week when my friends Aaron and Jenny Moyer went to try and adopt him in spite of the Russian ban on American adoptions.

Due to this horrible decision to ban adoptions, this beloved orphan with down syndrome WILL BE TRANSFERRED to an insane asylum.

Within. the. month.

Does anyone else burst into tears at this news!??!!

Worse yet...they had to say goodbye and LEAVE HIM BEHIND.

In Jenny's words, "It was horrifying."

Understatement of the year.

Statistics are that 65% of children will die within the first year at the insane asylum.

Anyone else ready to fall down on your knees to wage battle against the enemy for the sake of this child??

There is one final hope:

The Moyers have filed a case with the European Court of Human Rights to appeal the Russian court's decision. No date is set for this hearing.

Will you please petition the God of the fatherless on behalf of the Moyers and Vitaliy? 

Celebrating 45 years!!!

December 2, 1967.

It was a very special day.

Special indeed!

Two wonderful people joined their lives together and pledged to be true to one another til death would they part.

And they've been good on that vow.

...45 years today!!!

Not many people have such a beautiful legacy to carry--but I do.

These two people?

I call them Mom and Dad.

I am so blessed to have spent 40 of my years (okay, that's all of my years!) loving and being loved by them. They are the real deal. Faithfully loving, full of wisdom, humor, creativity--no one could ask for a better set of parents.

I recently asked my parents, separately, what were some of the biggest life moments they ever experienced.

My mom cited her own parents and how they raised her.

My dad's immediate answer was that the habit of daily Bible reading had shaped him more than anything.

Wow.

I am so blessed to come from such amazingly strong people.

Here's to my fabulous parents who have weathered SO.MUCH.LIFE. together and come out stronger and more in love than ever!

CHEERS!!!!

Marblehead, Ohio     Summer 2012

A Year Ago Today...

Sometimes I just sit amazed at ALL God has done in one year's time.

One year ago today, we met Zareb Jeremiah.

He was all dressed up in layers of funny colors as only an orphanage could do!

That moment that the director brought him in to her office to meet his parents was a holy moment.

I KNOW I heard angels' wings flutter. "Shhhh! This is the MOMENT!!" they must have said.

"Jeremiah, this is your Mummy and your Daddy," said Barbara, the director. She led a silent, wide-eyed little boy over to the chairs where we sat waiting with big round eyes ourselves. It was a moment we had all been anticipating and none of us could believe was happening.

"Hullo Mummy." He said in the softest voice, barely lifting his eyes.

"And this is your Daddy," Barbara guided.

"Hullo Daddy." he breathed, looking at his shoes.

We thanked Barbara profusely for choosing us to be his parents. She waved her hand, "No no, I didn't do this, GOD DID." (in a fabulous Ugandan accent)

From there, we immediately got into a taxi to take his passport picture. Note how happy WE were...and how scared to death poor little "Jeremiah" was!

That scared look was appropriate! Who in the world were we?? He left the orphanage for the first time in TEN MONTHS! And with these strange white people!

Then I compare that with how he is now.

It's an astounding change.

He loves freely.

Covers my face with sloppy wet kisses of his own volition.

Giggles.

Eats like there's no tomorrow.

Twirls and sings.

Beats the African drums with his brother and daddy.

Loudly declares his opinions while playing.

He rides a bike without training wheels.

Loves to swim in the pool.

Drops everything and breaks into an all-out run when he learns his daddy is home!

Early in the mornings he crawls into bed with me declaring, "It's snuggle time!"

When we snuggle, he remembers. We talk. He mentions the orphanage. How we came to get him and we brought him here.

Deeper snuggle.

"Will you always keep me safe?" he asks.

"I will."

"We need to get Toby out of the orphanage too, Mommy." This comment breaks my reverie and snaps me back to the job of bringing Toby home.

Reality comes in like an unwanted icy blast...dear little Toby does not yet know the freedom to come find mommy and snuggle and hear that life is going to be alright.

I had NO IDEA that one year from today we would be delighting in Zebby and collectively aching to bring home yet ANOTHER orphan. 

It kind of amazes me.

If I were writing the text of my life story, I would have never added these chapters. These adoption chapters of sons. 

But God.

He is writing our lives, and we are committed to the task of keeping our eyes on Him and obeying. We no more than finalized Zareb's adoption in April and He led us to the file of a Dong BaoKun in China. I think I would have given us a little breather...but not God! Here we go!

I wonder where we will be next August 11 as we mark 2 years of knowing Zareb?

Only God and time will tell.

Just Because...

...because Darrah Kate is adorable.

...because evening light is beautiful.

...because we have a teddy bear for Toby that has a tag in his ear that actually says, "Toby."

...because we think about Toby so far away it hurts.

...because we ache to go get him and bring him home.

...and because I just want to share these moments with you.

Update on Josh Wilson

So deeply thankful to all of you who have joined us in praying and giving to help his family!!

Josh has Cerebral Palsy. When he fell out of the van a week ago and hit his head, it did some real damage.

BUT GOD IS BIGGER!!!

Here is the latest report from Renee (Josh's amazing mom) as she balances her busy life between Josh's needs hours away in the hospital and those of her husband and other 5 boys back home:

Had a huge emotional roller coaster of a day. The Dr's came in this am & told us that "we were in for the long haul" & that it would be a long time before Josh wakes up. There is some new damage on his right side & more detrimental was the new damage they found in the middle (thalamus) of his brain. :(
So we settle in for the "long haul". I leave & make some phone calls. I walk back into the room & I notice that his left eye is slightly opened. So I talk to Josh & he SMILED!!!!!!!! I then yelled (very loudly) "PRAISE JESUS!" He smiled LOTS & LOTS!!!! He kept responding as the day went on! He has no control of his body except his eye & that beautiful smile!!! :)
No idea when we will be home. Will probably be coming home in a wheelchair & need LOTS of therapy. So grateful to Jesus that He allowed my little Joshua to wake up and smile at us!
Also, we are allowing people to come and see Josh next week. PLEASE let us know if you are wanting to come see him. We do not want a ton of people here at once.
God is so good to me!!!


Please keep on praying!!!

We will continue to collect funds for the Wilson family through this Wednesday, July 4th. Please just click on the sidebar "Chip In" if you would like to help off-set expenses that are mounting daily for this precious family.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."  ~James 1:2-4

Children and their FAITH!!

Want to hear a really cool story? 

How about two?

Would you stick around for THREE?

Well, I got 'em!

We officially began fundraising for Toby's adoption yesterday. Our need was steep. (And any need is steep when you don't have it!) The number needed for today (Friday) is $1,891.25. We didn't have it.

I am not proud to admit it, but I was stressing about it on Tuesday.

And Wednesday.

I lost sleep over it Wednesday night. :(

Thursday a friend was sharing with me that SHE had faith for me. She had been praying with thanksgiving for how God was going to do it.

She prayed as if it was done.

"If we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently..." Romans 8:25.

I was so encouraged by her faith.

I was like the disciples who watched Jesus feed the 5,000 with 2 loaves and 5 fish and then again saw him do it with a crowd of 4,000. The next paragraph they were in the boat freaking out that they only had one loaf of bread between the 12 of them. Jesus was like, "Dudes! Haven't you learned ANYTHING!?!?!?" (see Mark 8 for this story. My "dude" quote is verse 21.)

Yeah. I'm that dude in the boat.

God has SOOOO provided in the past.

He brought Zebby home to us in lightning fast speed and with money that only He could provide.

And I was lying in my bed with knots in my stomach wondering about this agency payment, "but HOW Lord???"

I could not foresee a way. I wish I had someone smack me upside the head with a fish. (that MIGHT have helped, you never know!)

Instead, God kindly gave me this verse, (because He is so gentle and is not a fish slapping kind of God!)
  " I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make rivers in the wilderness." Isaiah 43:19

Then, while having family devotions, our kids ran to grab their pennies and loose change. "There! Now we can bring Toby home!!"

Oh, the precious faith of a child!!


Then yesterday I got a private message on Facebook.  My friend's son read the last post with his mom and was asking good questions. "Why does it cost money to give a child a family?" "I want to adopt too!" "How can you hear God call you to do something?" Then, he came and gave her all his money to help bring Toby home.

$4.

I can assure you that those four dollars given in faith have BALLOONED into what we are seeing now in our Adopt Together account!!

Then, as today began, God filled me with faith. I had not a hint of wavering. I KNEW that God would do it. And as I am learning, faith is not something we conjure up, but it is a gift of God. (See Romans 12:3.)

Yesterday afternoon, I was also reminded by my friend that we didn't need the money THURSDAY, we needed it FRIDAY. That I should hold on and see what God did FRIDAY. God then put double rainbows in the sky that night. One for her, one for me. :) God's so cool like that!

Then this afternoon, as I was watching all these donations come in and fill up the need, one story in particular brought me to tears. Three siblings gave from their jars. Then their lovely mother messaged me the story:

This morning on the way to bball camp we prayed, asking God to show us what we could do to help orphans today.

Came home, saw your post, told Zoë. She said, "I'll give $5 to help that baby." then we remembered the jars they keep tithes and savings in. She decided to empty hers for Toby.

Greta saw what was going on. I told her about baby Toby in China who needs to come home to his family and needs doctors and medicine. Greta said, "give him my money jars, too."

After Caleb's playdate I told him about it and he didn't want to participate because he's saving for a science kit. Then he saw the girls' jars and said, "ok, I'll give everything in my jar, including my 8 gold coins from the tooth fairy."

So it's not much, but $57.45 was every cent the kids had. Their compassion speaks to my soul.

I thought you might like to hear these incredible God stories so YOU can have YOUR faith built up and encouraged like mine has been. (I Thessalonians 5:11)

God has taken these "loaves and fish" of these children and turned it into $1,736!!  Nope, just got another donation! Now we are at $1,836! (We had some cash given to us today as well...so it is not reflected in the amount on the Adopt Together page.) And truth be told, I have to keep changing this number as I type because the money keeps on coming!!! HALLELUJAH!

God is bringing our Toby home!! And using adorable children and precious adults to do it! 

Yahooooo!!! :)

When the Heart Hears

Today, I want to share something personal.

I want to give you my before and after.

No, I'm not talking about pictures of me before I began exercising and healthy eating...
(please feel free to sigh in relief!)

...I'm talking about how I was before--in my heart.

Before I was...

FULL OF MYSELF.

I was full of anxiety.

I hated.

I felt hated by others.

I was consumed with hiding my imperfections from others.

Life felt like I was moving from one argument to the next.

There was a great absence of peace in my heart.

I laughed, but it was often AT other people.

I lied.

I cheated.

I gave no concern for others, unless there was some kind of payback in it for ME.

BUT THEN.

My life turned on a dime.

I was walking in one direction and spun around to walk in the opposite.

The day stands out in my mind.

I was 15.

What you might ask, would change someone's life so drastically in their teen years that she would never walk away? That her life would go from so enthralled with HERSELF to enthralled with her CREATOR?

Simple.

It was Jesus. Jesus on the Cross.

That night when I was 15, I saw Jesus on the cross. He was being nailed to it. Each nail was named...and for some reason, each nail was something I personally was guilty of. The soldiers nailed that sinless God-man to the wood and held up each nail first proclaiming, "Hatred!" 

Then the banging of that sin through the flesh of Jesus.

Then the next nail was held up and proclaimed, "Lying!"

Bang. Bang. Bang.

My tears began to flow.

For the first time in my life, after years of my parents taking me to church with them, I began to see something I never had:

Jesus died on the cross for ME.

It was my actual sin that nailed Him there.

And He didn't deserve it.

I DID.
I distinctly remember my SHOCK.

THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS??? I was truly incredulous.

"JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR MY SINS!!"

I had heard that my entire life, but never with my heart.

The heart must hear.

When the heart hears, the heart melts.

My life changed then.

He began a long process of taking me from where I was and changing me into someone He dreamed of.

Romans 8:29 declares that dream:
"For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to be like His Son, so that His Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters."

God's dream is to make us like Jesus.

And He does that work. Not us.

The beautiful (and so mysterious) gift of His Holy Spirit does that work in us.

I am here to say: it is real.

My life looks NOTHING like it would have had my heart not heard.

I was not about to look like Jesus before!

Here is the Bible's description of love:

Patient. Kind. Not jealous or boastful. Not proud. Not rude. Does not demand her own way. Not irritable. Keeps no record of being wronged. She does not rejoice about injustice but rather when truth wins out. She never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures every circumstance.

And the character of Jesus that the Holy Spirit creates in me daily:

Loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self controlled.

Let me say it folks, THAT is NOT POSSIBLE without GOD!!!!

So, you must be wondering, am I claiming perfection?

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!! You make me laugh my head off silly!!!

Oh no. 

Sadly, no.

I still lose my patience with my children.

I still catch myself hoping you think I look good...or have done something well.

I am still tempted by old sins. Satan does that you know. He knows where we are weak and loves to hit those old spots.

But God is IN me. (Yeah, that's really weird. And totally wonderful.)

And with God in me, I am controlled by another power. It is not of my own. I don't have to sin. I am FREE.

Free to love.

Free to have joy!

Free to give my life over to whatever God dreams for me!

And friends, that is one AFTER picture that is glorious!

And as I am learning...that picture may surprise even us! Who knows the mind of God? He plans things for us that may surprise (and delight!) us. Those plans have been in place even BEFORE He created the sunshine.

(wow.)

Those plans the Bible calls "good, pleasing and perfect."

I am LOVING the after.

Soon, I'm going to be sharing some "after" pictures of my life that I never saw coming.

And you might join me in the amazement.

:)

"That is what the Scriptures say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." ~ I Corinthians 2:9

My little gifts!!

Isn't this so sweet?

I love being surrounded by these dear little gifts!!

Totally head over heels in love with these FIVE CHILDREN the Lord has seen fit to bless me with!!!

THANK YOU, LORD!!!!!!

Dichotomy of Sons

I snuggle down a bit deeper into the old rocker and breathe deeply. I smell the freshly washed tight curls that cover his head. Strawberry and coconut. Mmmmm. What a blessing this moment is.

Five years.

I hear the words echo in my head as I rock this snuggled in, jammied one who clings to me with his warm, dark fingers.

It's been five years.

I am aware on so many levels the way time passes and yet does not impact the deeper pockets of pain that I carry. I am indented with the wounds that death has inflicted, yet I daily live full of love.

Dichotomy.

I rock this child and hold him tighter, if it's even possible. He says nothing, just cuddles his face into my neck. We love one another. We are together.

It is December 29th. A night of deepest searing pain for me 5 years ago. A day when the sun went black. A third pregnancy ending in horror. And this time, we'd made it to 39 weeks.

But now...we've rolled ahead five years. Now I sit holding a child from Africa in my lap. Freshly bathed and read to, he clings to me as if he knows I need it.

"Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19

One son is gone from me, another is snuggled in.

One is from my own body, the other from someone else's...whom I will never know.

One son lives with Jesus, another is here waiting to learn about Him from me.

One son taught me so much by his leaving, another here has taught me much by his arrival.

Believe it or not, I am comforted by the fact that I do not understand the ways of God. Scripture says His ways are higher than ours, His thoughts, higher than our thoughts. I take comfort in this. I do not want to know why.

I simultaneously ache from the pain in my heart from Oskar who left me too quickly and delight in the armful of love I have on my lap who looks at me with deep dark eyes and stutters out, "M-m-m-mommy, I l-l-l-l-ove you."


Thank you, Lord. For all of it.