In the Shelter of the Father

Being a mother of two stagger-stepped toddlers has been a challenge in no uncertain terms. Yet I cannot remember a time in my life where I have ever experienced God in such real ways.

Apparently when you are emptied of yourself: all your ability, all your own power, all your own strength you become desperate for Him, well, He shows up!

What a great gift!!!

As you may know, many of us in the north are experiencing unusually warm temperatures and sunny days (HOORAY!) and there are a slew of storms that accompany this pre-spring treat.

Often they come at night.

When we sleep.

Well, most of us are sleeping.

Except one tiny Shaw. She's the youngest. She's the littlest. She's the one who sleeps the lightest. And she likes to let us know about it!

Across the 1,022 nights of her life we have been up with her many, many, many times. Responding to her cries, delivering water, finding Fluffernutter the Elephant who has once again tumbled to the floor.

I cannot say that my weary bones have delighted in these nightly treks across the squeaky wooden planks of the floor...trying not to trip on toys as I navigate my way to her toddler bed. No, no, far from it. I'm sad to say I've grumbled in my heart quite a bit. :(

Earlier this week we had a very loud, flashy storm that came complete with howling wind and pelting rain that crashed against the glass like bullets. I woke up too!

Suddenly our door was thrown open with a vehemence that only our Darrah Kate uses and I heard the toddling steps pass by Brian's side of the bed.

"Mommy? I scaaaaared!" she meekly pleaded.

It must have been God taking over because my immediate response was to swoop her up in my arms to hold and cradle her. Instantly I discovered she was violently trembling. She was so very, very frightened of the wildness just outside the glass window.

My heart broke for her. This was HUGE. She had very little past memory of wild storms to recall that she might be okay. She shook with the terror that she might be swept away!

I covered her quaking body with my own and pulled her into bed. Gone were the thoughts of ME...how was I going to get up for my workouts in a few short hours...I will filled with the love of our Father Himself.

Verses began to stream into my consciousness as I continued to shush, stroke her sweet hair and kiss her brow.

"The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9


"For You are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach," Psalm 61:3


"He will cover you with His feathers.
He will shelter you with His wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day." Psalm 91:4-5


I was overcome with emotion. Parenting is such a window into the loving heart of our own Father. I was flooded by His love for me in that precious moment. As I was wrapped around my own daughter's small sleeping body I knew for sure that His arms were wrapped around us both. 


She finally stilled. The trembling had stopped. 


Peace came.


Rest.


Sleep.

Taken during an afternoon storm that interrupted her nap time.

Not for me, but for her. And I reveled in the fact that my own Father never slumbers nor sleeps. He holds me as I sleep toss-and-turn  and He is the One who gives me the strength to live the next day. I held my little child in my arms now safe and satisfied that the violence outside would not consume her...and I felt drawn deeper into this love with the God of the Universe.


Only God can give a gift like that at 2 am.


So although I am a bit tons weary the next day... and am looking anxiously to the toddlers' nap time for my own rest, I am drawn closer to the heart of God through this job to which He has called me.


And I am so grateful.

The Pathway No One Knew Was There

We are just days away from leaving. All the emotions are just SWIRLING. I am not sure I can even write a post that makes sense!! There is just so much going on in our hearts and heads (oh the packing details, oh the documents that must be prepared, oh the kid care instructions that must be made!) that I really shouldn't even try to write a post...but I simply can't help myself.

We are about to fly halfway around the world and walk up the steps into an orphanage. Inside there is a little boy who has been living there, day in and day out. He is getting older each day. He has watched many, many children be chosen and leave with their new families. He has wondered when it is going to be his turn. My friend who used to stay there would tuck him in at night and say a prayer with him whispered into his ear, "Your Mommy and Daddy love you." He looked up at her with wide eyes, "I have a Mommy and Daddy?!?!" Oh! It totally melts our hearts!

And yes, Z, you have a Mommy and Daddy. And we are coming. FOR YOU!!!

Brian was putting our little DQ to bed the other night and reading her toddler Bible with her. The story was about Joshua and Caleb scouting the Promised Land. The other scouts went back to the Israelites and reported, "Oh, we cannot take that land, there are big nasty giants living there!" (Amy version) But Joshua and Caleb went back and reported, "We can take that land! There are giants, but our God is bigger!" (also Amy version) At that moment, in the quiet of his heart, God spoke to my husband: "The giant in your adoption is the money."

We have been totally shaking in our boots as we have spent money like there is no end to the supply. All the things required for this trip, especially now that we are going for court and all, is phenomenal. We find ourselves edgy, short with one another because we are nervous about finances. Ever been there?

We have discussed how we have NO IDEA how in the world we are going to complete our adoption. We need money to pay our legal fees, money to pay for a visa, a medical exam (for Z), money to buy our malaria medications, money to stay in a guesthouse. We need money to pay taxi drivers, money to pay for passport pictures for Z, money to throw a going away party for Z at his orphanage. And then, we need money to buy that ticket H-O-M-E for Z!!! Is this a giant? ABSOLUTELY. And the closer we get to our departure date, the uglier the giant becomes. The pricetag hanging off his hat says, "$6,000 or more" on it. And ew! He's got hair growing out of the mole on his chin!

Brian has continually reminded me that we have prayed to live like one of our heros, George Mueller. Time after time, George saw God provide miracles. But the thing with a miracle is, you gotta be in the place to need a miracle.

We are in that place. Oh yeah, baby.

I absolutely love the stories in the Old Testament when God's people NEEDED to travel across the water (the Red Sea and later the Jordan River). God had full plans of parting the water for them, but it did not happen until they stepped by faith into the water. There WAS a pathway there, but they couldn't see it. They had to step out in faith, and then the water would part.

Whew. That's hard.

I love this picture. We obey Him with trepidation. But God holds our hands and never leaves us.

One of my favorite underlined places in the Psalms says this:

"When the Red Sea saw you, O God, its waters looked and trembled!  

The sea quaked to its very depths...

Your road led through the sea,
Your pathway through the mighty waters--
A PATHWAY NO ONE KNEW WAS THERE!!!"
                                                                ~Psalm 77:16, 19

This situation is just like that. We are stepping onto a plane in faith that our God will provide the finances to complete the adoption of Z. We believe that this was His perfect plan for Z's life and for ours. We trust our God to do the impossible.

I cannot wait to see how He does it!

Leaving Our Agency

For those who are following our adoption journey, I write this post.

God has been doing a LOT in our hearts lately. To the tune of walking out on all we thought was secure and stepping into the realm of the unknown where both adventure, risk and great joy lie waiting.

source

Yesterday we left our adoption agency.

What?!?! Yes, we really did. "Are you still adopting?" they asked. "Yes, we are indeed. God is just taking us in a new direction."

Here's the thing:
Our agency was wonderful. I could never speak an ill word against them. They were godly people assisting families to adopt babies from the United States, Mexico, Ghana and Uganda. I would recommend them in a heartbeat to others who wanted to adopt to build their families.

But God.

There seems to be a theme in much of what He's doing in our lives. We begin a task, at His prompting and then just as we think we have it figured out...in He comes and surprises us with another direction. He has been burdening our hearts for the children who will never be adopted. The sick, the forgotten, the older child. It is just not for us to join a line of parents and wait our turn for healthy infants.

Part of our story (as is probably obvious) is that we have been able to have children. We have suffered great tragedy in doing so (losing three children who we'll delight in meeting and knowing in Heaven) but God has allowed us to "be fruitful and multiply." For some, this gift is withheld for reasons only God knows. My heart burns with longing for those of you in this situation. So for us, adoption is not about building our family. When I shared about our decision to adopt my brother asked, "Really? You want another kid?" I answered that this was not about what we wanted, but about what God wanted to do in us and through us.

And that remains true.

We feel God speaking clearly that we are to add children who are the "least of these" into our family. We have been on an emotional roller coaster over the past months thinking we found our children, but for one reason or another it was not to be. But one thing was made very clear to us: we are not to adopt a child/children who would otherwise be adopted. We also cannot adopt from an orphanage where they are training the children in God's ways and preparing them to be Uganda's next generation of leaders. We feel called to throw a lifeline to a family in desperate need. (Read this post of Tom Davis to learn a bit more about this concept and the "degrees of separation from birth parents.") We are called to the children who would otherwise remain in an orphanage for life. The children who would die in their current circumstance due to lack of medical attention. The children who truly are just a step away from the streets.

And this can be scary. You might have read my posts where I'm clinging to God, scared! Stepping out on faith is SCARY. Doing what others are not doing could be cause to FEAR. But God. He gives us His peace, He puts people in our path who know how to navigate independent adoption. He carefully sets us in a place where we are surrounded by His godly ones who can show us the path. And so, we follow His lead.

We ask you to pray for us as we proceed down this path. As we have said it many times "It's not about us." And it's not. It's about them. And someday (soon?) we know their names, see their faces and learn their stories. And we'll bring them home.

Faith Triumphs!

So I posted yesterday about the sheer battle taking place in our hearts. Fear can be intense, and given a little fuel, it can run over you like a Mack truck. No shred of what you'd originally come for left.

But then God.

He gave us peace yesterday. People wrote encouraging messages. Shared stories. Reminded us of HOW BIG our God is. And they prayed.

One thing that I loved from yesterday's support system was this:

Trusting God does not mean that we will never have questions, doubts, or fears. We cannot simply turn off the natural thoughts and feelings that arise when we face difficult circumstances. Trusting God means that in spite of our questions, doubts, and fears we draw on his grace and continue to believe that he is loving, that he is in control, and that he is always working for our good. Such trust helps us to continue doing what is good and right, even in difficult circumstances.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 65

So, I can be scared but still move forward because my faith is not in anyone but GOD. And He is bigger. He is trustworthy. I can trust Him. Not for a peachy outcome, but for being about His work in all of our lives. He is conforming me daily more into His Son's image. I've been predestined for this! Perhaps this* situation is exactly what is part of that "good, pleasing and perfect will" that He has for me.

Here's the tour of verses He took me on this morning:

“The Lord looked and was displeased

 to find that there was no justice.

He was amazed to see that

 no one intervened to help the oppressed.”

                                                               Isaiah 59:15, 16

"To all who mourn in Israel,

He will give BEAUTY FOR ASHES,*

Joy for mourning,

praise for despair,

For the Lord has planted them like 

strong and graceful oaks for His glory."

                          Isaiah 61:3

"Tears of joy will stream down their faces

and I will lead them HOME with great care."

                                              Jeremiah 31:9

*This situation and this song go together in my heart. This very well may be what God has planned for us...and we will wait quietly until it is time to reveal it. Then, I promise we will. Until then, please pray for us to have wisdom beyond ourselves and bigger measure of faith in our incredible God.

Fear vs. Faith--round 2

Would like to say that there is news...


                                                                            and there may be,

                                                                                                                                      ...or maybe not.

Where does fear of the future meet with faith? 

How do they intermingle? Does one balance out the other? Are they pure enemies?

                             I see them dance, but wait...
                                                                         are they not dancing, but wrestling?

Will Faithwin?  Will Love prevail?

Where is the line of what makes sense and what we are asked to do?

Are we even asked to do it?

Does a need presented mean WE must meet it?

Emotions abound.

Can we make clear decisions without emotions? Is faith connected to our emotions?

And the bigger, more echoing question...

Can we even hear God clearly anymore?

a prayer

Oh God, my God. 

You search and You know me. 

My future is laid out before you, there are no secrets. 

                             You see all, 

                                              You know all, 

                                                                               You hold all.

Nothing that takes me by surprise takes you by surprise. 

You hold my future in your hands.

I see your HANDPRINTS all over my life 

                                                                                                          ...and I glory in them.

You ask me to step out into the unknown

to walk where I've never gone before

and it's scary, God.

(so so scary!!)

But You make PROMISES to me,

Promises that I BELIEVE and will cling to.

May fear fall away as I step forward into the unknown

                     Shaking, 

                                               Weak

                                                                     ...but made STRONG

                                                                          by You living in me.

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