A Sister's Letter to Oskar

There has been SO.MUCH.GOING.ON.
I cannot keep up.
I wish that I could be FOUR people to address the multitude of intense needs that pull me in every direction.
But I cannot.
I have wondered, "How in the world do I blog about all this stuff?" 
And I still do not have an answer.
But last night, my 13 year old shared her poem with me that brought me to my knees. And I knew…I wanted to share it with you. (she has agreed)

Sweet little Oskar, I cannot wait!

There are so many things to do

There are cookies to eat and things to create

And I will do so much with you!

I’ll feed you your breakfast and rock you to sleep

And then as you grow older

We’ll go to the pool and swim in the deep 

And make snowmen when it gets colder

Today I heard something Oskar, I don’t believe it’s true

No my brother don’t leave me behind

I never even got to meet you

What about all of those things I hoped for? 

The fun that we would have had?

Oh God please don’t shut Oskar’s door

Don’t you realize that this is bad?

Dear brother, you will never feel a summer breeze blow soft

Or make fun forts with our dad up in the hay loft

I want you to blow out your candles

I want to hear your voice

No stocking saying “Oskar” on the mantle

No Oskar sound or noise

Jesus please bring him back

The younger ones miss him so

He is a special boy our family lacks

He who we never got to know

None of us understand, dear Lord

We’ll never hear his cry

We’ll never hear his laugh oh Lord

Why did you let him die?

Please, Lord Almighty, we beg you

Jesus, give us peace

We know where he is off to

But we long to see his happy face

Dear Oskar, please don’t worry

We’re coming soon after you

We really want to hurry

Have you, dear, missed us too?

We can all peacefully rest now, boy

For we know where you are

In a place with love, purity, and joy

And Jesus to eternally rest on

I know that you aren’t here

But I’m sure you perfect and smart

Oskar, you may be in Heaven

But you will always be in our hearts

Who is/was Oskar? He was our 2nd son…born still at 39 weeks. You can read his story by clicking the tab at the top of the blog, "Our son Oskar." 7 years have passed, but we will always miss him.

Esty's Adoption UPDATE!

All this goes on here…meanwhile she waits.

So…the question of the hour:
HOW MUCH MORE MONEY DO WE NEED TO BE FULLY FUNDED?
I so wish I could answer.
Let me explain what is going on for us…
It's a tricky situation.
So…as you (probably) saw on Facebook with our goofy song…we got our TRAVEL APPROVAL!
But…
what we got was word that our travel approval was ISSUED and COMING from China.
That was last Friday.
We hoped and prayed the hard copy would come to our agency on Monday.
It didn't.
Then…a phone call came.
Our sweet social worker had some news: 
…because Esty lives in Beijing, we cannot have an early consulate appointment. They take 5 complete business days to get the passport processed and it is not possible to have anything but a Thursday appointment.
I was crushed.
You see, we had HOPED and PRAYED to return to the city where we lived and served for 2 years. Our hearts have ached to once again visit and share on heart levels all that the Father has been doing among them. We had hoped to do this trip before meeting Esty…but now that we cannot finish the adoption part of our trip until Thursday (which is really Saturday because you have to wait to pick up the visa in the child's passport)…it would make the time away from our other children TOO LONG.
I grieved for a good solid two days.
And I'll cry again if I think about it.
I SOOOOOO wanted to visit with our dear Pretty friends. ("Pretty" was a code name for the people we worked with years ago.)
{ache.}
Anyway.
Our agency is closed all week so they will not have our hard copy of our Travel Approval until next Monday. 
Which, by the way, is Oskar's birthday. (There are a lot of reasons why this is a crushing time for us…and THIS may be the biggest!) (If you do not know, Oskar was our beloved son who ran ahead to Jesus 7 years ago. My Momma's heart always grieves for him.)
So, the timeline now goes: Monday our agency receives the travel approval and applies for our Thursday consulate appointment.
Then we wait 2 more days now 3 more days (because of the New Year holiday) to hear back if we get the consulate appointment we apply for.
IF we got the January date, then we will immediately book flights and go in a matter of days.
This is the best case scenario.
It is also however, the most expensive scenario as flights are filling up on the return leg already and buying just before you fly is ALWAYS EXPENSIVE.
The difference of this is in the THOUSANDS of dollars. 
sigh.
The other thing that is VERY LIKELY to happen is that the date we can apply for in January will be FULL. (There is only ONE THURSDAY we can apply for due to the Beijing requirement and Chinese New Year.) 
Then…
then…
we would have to delay getting Esty out of her orphanage for another MONTH. Or longer.
sigh. Adoption is truly full of opportunities to grow in patience.
We would have to wait until AFTER Chinese New Year finishes…
which would then allow us to go for less money because we would be buying the tickets a good month in advance.
So THAT'S why I can't give a quick answer to "how much more" because even the quotes we have now for flights will still GREATLY INCREASE if we get to go in January.
Bottom line: we need to keep fundraising. (Trust me, 3rd adoption in a row, I am REALLY READY to be done!!)
I promise to let you know when we know!
In the meantime…keep sharing about our Tshirt blowout sale: 

and keep PRAYING for God to fund this thing.
Ask:  *We can raise enough to purchase our tickets on the spot. *That we can get the ONLY January Thursday consulate appointment. *Pray for Esty's heart. Sweet girl is going to have ENORMOUS LIFE CHANGES AHEAD.

Praise God!!! She IS coming home!!!

Raw moment

Yesterday while we were outside playing, I commented to a fellow adoptive father, "I think they're all probably a bit older than we were told..." To which he replied "No, we have his actual birthdate."

Why did I ask??

But I did.

"When is his birthday?"

"December 29th."

I sucked in my breath. That was Oskar's birthday--well, it was the day I discovered he was no longer moving anymore. The day the nightmare began. A day that will forever be frozen in my memory.

And then I realized that his soon-to-be son was actually born on the same day, the very same year.

It was too much. I felt my legs go weak. My heart raced. Tears flooded and I got up to run off...but remembered the trauma of Zareb when I took a phone call away from the crowd so I could hear. (He flipped out thinking I'd abandoned him--his deep seated fear.) So I quickly bundled him up in my arms and ran off to find a quiet place.

I found some stairs that overlooked Lake Victoria. Gorgeous colorful flowers dotted my view. I sobbed. Zareb looked quite alarmed. I snuggled into him. And then I realized it.

We have BOTH had deep pain in our lives to bring us to this point.

Tears are not unfamiliar to my Ugandan son. It's not a happy childhood that avails a child to adoption.

"Please don't cry Mommy," he said lovingly later when we got back to the room. His tender heart had remembered me, so broken, on the stairs and he sought to bring me comfort. I thought it was interesting...one of the books that brought me great comfort during my grief after Oskar died was titled that same thing, Please don't cry, Mommy.

It may seem like adoption is merely paperwork and rejoicing, but there's a layer of pain and harsh reality that underlies it all. I am grateful to God for the pain (and great healing!) He has permitted in my life.

Perhaps I am better able to help my son with his past as well.

How could you do that to your kids?

This is a question I've heard from people over the years. "How can you take those precious children to China for two years?" "How can you think about moving to India with those children?" "What about your REAL children...(when you adopt)? What will it do to them?" [This causes me to shudder as I realize that others place a separation between our biological children and our someday-to-be adopted children!]

These are real questions I have fielded. From people I love.

How can we do these "mean" things to our children? How can we cart them halfway around the world in the name of Christ? How can we upheave their world by adopting orphans who have an unknown past and might bring in unknown diseases? How can we return their Christmas presents and give to the poor instead?

We are called to do these things, not as individuals, but as a family. We do things together. That means serving God too.

It wasn't my idea...we tried tirelessly to go overseas before we had children. God stopped our plans each time. It wasn't until Jensi was 3 and Anneli was 1 that God opened the door and rolled out the red carpet for us to go. And we did. And it was amazing. We saw Him work miracles, both in us and around us. We went through great hardship, but He was enough for us and carried us through.

Certainly, you must know, as human beings we want to shelter our children from pain, hardship and turmoil. We want nothing to touch them that hurts. But don't we all know that our character grows best under the pain of these very things? Consider how a diamond is made--PRESSURE! Might we be praying a more effective prayer if we prayed for God to do whatever He needed to so that we might grow closer to Him rather than 'keep us safe,' or' keep us healthy' or 'bless us' with stuff?

I honestly think I thought I was saving my baby (Oskar) as I allowed Jensi, Anneli and Oliver's hands to be on my belly as they would boldly pray in their childlike faith, "Please God, let this baby live!" I couldn't fathom that God would ever allow a third child of ours to die. I truly thought that by involving my kids, God would protect their hearts from such pain and allow the baby inside me to live. (This is all months before we had any clue that he would in fact die at 39 weeks.)

But guess what? Our sweet Oskar did die. My children, the very same ones who prayed and did not receive what they asked for, walked through the grief with us as a family. They attended their baby brother's funeral, kissed his casket and squeezed my hand when the anniversaries roll around and the tears roll down my cheeks. We have experienced this as a family. And as a family, we have met God in the depths of our despair. Ask any of my children and they will tell you that GOD IS ENOUGH. No matter what they face, they know that He is real and He will help them to learn, grow and glorify Him through it.

So I don't see the fear that others do in our adoption. Questions like "how could we do this to our biological kids" doesn't even compute. How could we not? If God is asking us to take this journey, one that will cause our very family structure to change forever, how could we not include our children in such an opportunity? Even if it goes atrociously bad (which it could), would it still not be worth it? What is the value of living out our faith with our children? Teaching them what forgiveness looks like on a daily basis; learning what it means to love sacrificially; learning how to have faith in God when circumstances say that you should give up. In the end, is that not worth it? And would the fear of such pain seriously cause us to turn around and disobey God's command in our lives? I think you know the answer.

"Truly, truly, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24.

We are in the process of dying to ourselves, that we might bear much fruit. It is our prayer that God is glorified through ALL we do.