Lessons from the Dark

Happy September!
Oh, I am so happy to be able to say that. I had my personal WORST August ever.
I was allowed to endure an onerous month long sifting. 
It was long.
It was intense.
I thought I wasn't going to make it.
(If you feel like you can tolerate your suffering, then you ain't really suffering yet!)
And now...I feel like the darkness has passed.
At times now, and while I was experiencing it, I was tempted to try and understand it. Questioning constantly what was I doing wrong, why did I feel this way, how could I do better...and eventually, between my tears and abbreviated prayers that only sounded like weak cries from a baby seal, "HELP!" did I give up trying to UNDERSTAND it...
...and I just tried to survive.
I tend to be a very buoyant person. Something goes wrong pushing me under, I end up bouncing up above the water in a different place. Usually happily so.
But this was a dark heaviness. I felt like I could do no right. I failed CONSISTENTLY at everything I did.
I kept meeting with God in the mornings though--that remained in my life. Some days, I felt fine during those mornings.
And then by 7:30 am I was crying again in the closet.
Desperately wondering how I could get OUT of my life. How I could STOP being a parent to all of these children.
It was DARK.
But the truth and the calling remained: I am living what I have been created to do. WHY IS IT SO HARD THEN!?!?!?!?
And the truth is: God doesn't call us to what is easy for us. 
And I'm going to tell you something big now: (listen up)
PARENTING IS HARD HARD HARD WORK.
ADOPTIVE PARENTING IS EVEN HARDER WORK...for so many, many reasons. And parenting a smattering of children who both sprung from your loins and were grafted into your family provides an even different dimension.
But HARD does not equal NOT CALLED. 
HARD does not equal NOT GOING TO DO THIS.
HARD actually equals GOD HAS TO DO THIS THROUGH ME!!!
And that was my daily morning cry, "Help me to die to myself and YOU to live through me to parent this mess of children!"
But every single day I was reduced to tears EARLY in the morning and overcome by the weight of all their needs, all their tears, all their baggage (trauma), teenage hormones and then throw in some laundry, financial stressors, string of medical appointments and therapy, potty training and other "surprises" that regularly occur in life (like our home study agency stopping doing adoptions and we have to drop what we are doing and transfer and re-fingerprint and blah blah blah) and also my thyroid being off so I hadn't slept longer than 2-3 hour stretches in FOREVER...it all added up and was my perfect storm.
I did a lot of desperate texting to my dear husband and BFF. They carried me, prayed for me and supported me in this "overwhelming flood."
And again, I'd re-examine the situation and try try try to see WHY it was happening. 
But I just couldn't. Mainly because I could not see out in front of my face. The trees of the forest were just so RIGHT THERE. It's hard to see the whole forest when the bark is right in your face.
At one point my husband asked me if I had any idea what God was trying to teach me in all of this. I had no clue. Not even a hunch. I think I just growled at him, wordlessly.
But never did I feel like God abandoned me...but He did not say much. At all. 
For weeks.
And that was H-A-R-D.
One time last week I was sitting in the rocking chair holding a child on my lap, pulling her close to me so she wouldn't see my tears...wondering how we would be able to feed all of them next week... and He spoke!!
"Just feed her today."
And that's all He spoke to me through this hard time. "Just today."
But it was enough.
Scripture came back to my mind about only living today, for each day has enough trouble of its own. And that the ravens they don't plant, harvest or store food yet God feeds them...I'm going to be okay.
I reached out to a woman I greatly respect and long to be like one day. She told me a few things that really helped me in all of this. (Because truly, when it was dark, I could not see or sense that God was doing ANYTHING in me at all...all I felt was "overwhelming failure" and had no sense that there was a purpose in it at all...although my husband and BFF were telling me God was busy doing good things in me!)
This precious mentor reminded me how crazy passionate God is for me. "Even if you never do another thing for Him the rest of your life, He loves you. Period."
WOW.
That's amazing to me. ...And I think I have a problem. 
I cannot seem to un-think that if I do well in life, that I am more appealing to Him. That my well balanced life, organized family and all I work at doing is more attractive to Him than if I was lying around on the couch day after day eating bon-bons.
But that's not true. I cannot do ANYTHING to make God love me MORE.
And that's a statement about the INTENSITY of His love for me. 
He already loves me MORE.
God must be CRAZY SAUCE  for His people. He's GOT to be! Otherwise, how could He send His only Son down here, deny Him heaven and put the weight of all sin on Him and let Him bear all the punishment?!?!?!
That's crazy love. Crazy.
My mentor also told me something else. Something that has lead to a real epiphany for me.
She told me that if I want to later be remembered by my children as a loving, wonderful mommy...then I need to relax. A TON.
Oh dear.
That one hit hard. I don't relax well. I multitask well. I do intense well. In fact, I can't remember when I did not give something I'm excited about 110% of my energy.
Relax? "A ton?" Oh my.
And then I read some questions in a book our church is using called How People Change. The questions are actually called, "X-ray Questions" because they cut right through your fluff and get at the core.
One question stood out to me...mainly because my answer showed me that I was actually frustrated and striving for something preposterous.
Somehow I have gotten off. WAY OFF.
Somehow I went from using chore charts and organizing bins to the idea of being out for TOTAL PERFECTION.
I seriously was looking to produce: a spotless home...every corner tidied, every meal well balanced and prepared on time, cupboard stocked and organized, obedient children willing to serve others and ample finances to support the whole production. I was looking forward to the moment when EVERY SPACE in our home was organized, picked up and clean (oh the pet hair and dust bunnies!) and THEN I would simply maintain it.
So, you see that as I was working toward that idea above...and turned around to discover another mess (usually in an area that was just cleaned) or the same child repeat-offending an offense,  or running out of milk and toilets overflowing...I felt further set back from my goal: to when I'd have this all cleaned up and put together.
Oh, that elusive moment.
For some reason when my mentor told me that I was just going to have to relax...(she also told me to figure out what was MOST important and let everything else GO!) I was able to see what I was doing: striving for unattainable perfection and STRESSING about it when it did not go smoothly and forgetting that THIS IS A JOURNEY. 
And that it is NOT a journey toward the moment WHEN all things become perfect, but that they never will. However, this is not to frustrate or discourage, but to reshift my thinking.  I need to still do these things (parent, potty train, cook, clean, re-clean, teach math,  can tomatoes, drive to therapy, coach in drama practice, train hearts, etc.) but allow them to happen as they do...in the imperfectness of this world.
So, that means that when something goes wrong now (and they will keep going wrong) in my spirit I do not need to unleash the "oh well GREAT (roll eyes)" monster, but rather go with it as "okay, let's see what needs to happen now," patient mother who even actually smiles at her offending children.

This is in Esty's soon-to-be bedroom. Been cleaning it out and had left neat piles of books. Turned around 5 min later to see this. Oh yeah. Life is messy!

When I walk into a room and discover an enormous mess created by the three amigos, (THAT I JUST CLEANED) I do not need to allow sabotage to reach my heart. When I turn the corner to next room and discover the table has not yet been cleared by table-responsible son who is outside playing blissfully even though I reminded him after dinner---doesn't need to upset me. 
A journey. NOT to perfection, but to growing up. (Both kids and me.) A journey to train the children's hearts to love Jesus and follow Him amidst the messes we encounter in life. 
No perfection needed.
My kids are watching me. They see how I act when things don't go right. 
How do they learn to react? They watch me. They imitate me.
{Like it or not: they DO.}
I want to follow Jesus and encounter life's messes patiently and in faith. I want to model trusting in a God who IS ENOUGH...not panicking in the face of a problem.
I really can't say what brought the end of the time of sifting. Finances are still uber tight. Kids are still kids. Entropy still rules. Maybe my thyroid is finally regulating. (I'm beginning to sleep better, praise Him!) School has started and there are less people here all day. I'll probably never know why the darkness has lifted but I can begin to see again...but I do hope that what I've learned and processed is gonna STICK.
I shared some of this aloud with my dear friend wondering if I should blog it. She declared emphatically that YES! I should, that other people are probably trying to achieve perfection too.
So, for the sake of YOU, stressed out mama, I share this publicly. I hope that you will be encouraged and find hope for your own journey.



{During this season of intense sifting, I was encouraged time and time again through my readers that this blog has blessed and encouraged them. Even a family is in process to adopt some children I've advocated for here!!! These words have brought me great joy and a renewed sense of purpose amidst the dark time. Thank you, dear ones.}

A Time to Rest (or else!)

It seems unlikely that NOW it would be time to rest.

But it is.

I have been burning the candle at BOTH ENDS for quite some time now.

My body demands that I rest.

Unfortunately, I haven't been the best at heeding the warning signs...

...and so I crash and burn.

(In the form of getting sick.)

This time though, it wasn't a quick 24 hour thing. It's been longer.

(Just TRY to keep me down longer!!! GRRRR)

But that's is EXACTLY what God has been doing. Not allowing me to just bounce back.

Each day I wake up thinking, "A shower will make me feel better!"

I get out feeling the same and realize,

"No, no, a shower just makes you WET!"

Now I am indeed making progress each day, but as a busy mom of almost 6, it's not nearly the speedy recovery I am expecting!

It's slow and demands long naps each day. Long hours of sleep at night.

I do think there is a lesson here.

My husband  put words to it today for me: "We all appreciate what you do, but you MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Stop doing the work of three people!"

I live intensely. It's REALLY hard to figure out how to dial it back!

But I'm learning that I. SIMPLY. MUST.

I must build margins around the edges of my life. Plan in pauses. Stop pushing myself so hard.

A time is coming VERY SOON when I will need to be cocooning with a new child and all outside activities will cease. It will be time to hold, cuddle, weep, and simple be Momma.

Breathe.

In...

....Out.

We may leave for China in 3 1/2 weeks. 

There is SO MUCH STRESS associated with that above statement! And yet I must not allow myself to get uptight. I must keep on breathing and take it slowly. I need to pace myself and trust God with the finances that are not yet in.

He's got this.

It's my job to trust Him.

And that's the easy part. He's got the hard part. And He can handle it!

So here I sit less than a month out of meeting my newest son. It appears that although there are many things undone, funds un-raised and empty suitcases...that I've got things the way they need to be.

Praying I can stay this way.

Breathe in.  Breathe out. In. Out. In. Out.

Clinging and Praising in the Midst

So...I've not written in too long. Too long for me anyway.

Certainly not for lack of things going on...oh no, it's been quite the opposite.

Last I wrote a post, I was gearing up for a HUGE September. Goal setting, calling people to action, getting myself in a mode to put a new schedule in place as the kids went back to school and generally seizing the last months of 2012.

But then God.

In fact, I never hit "publish."

I was clearly told to NOT do that.

He spoke to me that my September was to simply sit back...quietly.

To listen.

To be still.

To be available to my little ones.

To be ready, ready for whatever He brought my way.

As we turned into the month of October, my friend asked me, "So, how was your restful September?"

I was a bit taken back.

Certainly not by her question, but by the fact that I was not a hair more rested than I was late August. I truly have no idea where that month vanished off to, although I do have memories of sitting and reading more Scripture than I was accustomed to.

That's really all I have to "show" for September.

All the regular rhythms of life have continued. Laundry. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Homework helping. Reading to littles. Balancing budgets. Preparing food.

And then...

...the beginning of October has brought me to my knees.

These are not easy days. I cannot even write this post without tears welling up in my eyes.

A major event involved my father in law falling at our house and incurring a serious head injury that led to emergency brain surgery and now doctors predict will take him 6 months to regain his former pre-incident self.

Other things have worn on me. Stresses that I am not able to share publicly threaten to choke and snuff out my hope and joy.

I sadly admit, they've come close. I'm in tears again.

These are hard, hard days.

But one of my favorite Scriptures is tucked away in Habakkuk:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,

and there are no grapes on the vines;

even though the olive crop fails,

and the fields lie empty and barren;

even though the flocks die in the fields,

and the cattle barns are empty,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord!

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

                                                       (3:17-19)

Source

I want to be counted among those who look at empty barns, fields, vines and trees and rejoice for the provision God has for me! This is a CHOICE, not based on my circumstances, but based on WHO my God is. He is mighty to save. I will indeed put my trust in Him.

Stand with me in prayer, please.

Lord, I want to SEE!

Luke 18:35-43... A dirty cast-off man cries out to Jesus and others try to crowd him out, to shush him up. No way. This guy's serious--he is blind and has been forced to live his life as a beggar. He has heard about this Jesus guy, and he's heard that He heals! So he shouts all the louder and makes himself a bigger nuisance to the crowd. But not to Jesus. Jesus has this way with people. The very ones we ourselves are annoyed with. The ones we sorta just wish would leave us alone, the very ones we ourselves would be tempted to just walk on by.  But here's what Jesus does--he stops and he has the beggar brought to him. Wow. Then he asks him a simple question, "What do you want me to do for you?" The blind beggar's response always causes me to stop and ponder.

"Lord," he said, "I want to see!"

Two things have come to my mind as I've pondered this passage lately. I wonder if you might think on them with me.

The first: this blind man, though a beggar and clearly disliked by the population, did not assume that his blindness was a permanent condition. (But we certainly know that it is, don't we? haha) I LOVE that he didn't accept his blindness when he saw the chance to ditch it. Would I? If I were blind in the year 2011, I am quite sure I would have found ways to make peace with it. I would not be bitter, but I would have learned to master Braille (as completely impossible as it seems to my fingers!) and I would have probably joined a blind mother's support group. I would have learned to do life as a blind woman. Would I be constantly pounding on the door of heaven to be healed? No. I'm pretty sure I would not. I would accept my lot in life and figure, "This is how it is. I'll just have to make the best of it." But here is a man who seeks after Jesus to have his reality CHANGED. Matthew 7:7 tells us to keep on asking what we're asking for. Don't give up! Even in this same chapter of Luke Jesus shares the story of the persistent widow. Why? To emphasize the importance of persistence in prayer! Justice will be given to His chosen ones who plead with Him day and night. Now I am sure that I can rile up people by what I've said just now--because we should make the most of our current situation and we should avoid bitterness...but how do we fit that with this man's refusal to accept his blindness as forever?

The second thing I have pondered is the fact that the blind man clearly identified what he wanted. "Lord, I want to SEE." He didn't hem haw around. He was serious and straight to the point. I have echoed this man's prayer often in my life. But I'm not blind, right? Hmmm. I daresay I am though. I have eyes that show me my physical surroundings, but so often are blind to the spiritual realities that co-exist. I love the Old Testament story of the battle where God reveals all the heavenly fighters up on the hillside! If only we could SEE!!

So often I only look at my circumstances and ignore that there might be another perspective on them. My selfish perspective causes me to give way to my fears, doubts and worries. When I hear the Lord ask me, "Amy, what is it you want me to do for you?" I am careful to imitate this beggar's prayer: "Lord, I want to see." Rather than, "Well, God, could you please fix this problem for me...."  I ask to see. Gaining God's perspective on my life is often what I need far more than the actual thing fixed. Why? Because the next time something comes up (it will you know!) I want to still have my heavenly perspective in place to deal with it all. If I merely ask for a problem to be fixed, then I am no further ahead in my character.

Let's choose to SEE. Ask Him. The view might be overwhelming, but we'll for sure join the blind beggar: "Instantly the man could see and he followed Jesus praising God. And all who saw it praised God, too." Luke 18:43

The Popcorn Analogy

We are a popcorn loving family. At least once or twice a week, we make it and devour bowls as we spend time talking and laughing together. We have our pretty red popcorn bowl that we regularly use and Brian even mentioned that one day, they will all want the popcorn bowl!

Last week, the final week of 2010, I was stressed. It is a normally difficult time for me anyway with the anniversary of our sweet boy Oskar's birthday. There were other deep stresses on us as well, and they left me sleeping poorly, run down and generally feeling depressed. I tend to be an optimist so when I was down it was extra difficult because my family counts on my buoyancy.

I could tell I was stressed because while I was sleeping and actually dreaming of our adoption (and it had all gone wrong!) I woke up to myself saying with great horror, "Oh no!!! I printed at 72 dpi!!!" (Never mind what this means, but in photography world, this is trouble!) I had no conscious level of thought regarding our photography jobs, but apparently it was going on in my head somewhere. I fell back asleep after getting up and attempting to remedy the situation and later woke up with a popcorn analogy in my head. I thought I would share it with you.

When you buy popcorn kernels, you expect them to pop. No one would dream of eating them in their unpopped state.

No, we want them in their delicious white puffy state! But the Lord spoke to me a truth right there as I lay in my bed: what is required for the kernels to reach their potential? Intense heat!!! It is with the pressure of heat that the kernels finally explode into their beautiful, fluffy, tasty state that we know and love. Hmmm.

I got up the next day and took my children to the stove. We made popcorn in a glass-covered pan so we could actually watch the steam build up inside. Finally the heat and steam gave way to the delightful sound of pop pop popcorn! Before I even made the analogy for them, Jensi jumped in with her eyes lit up! "Oh!! I get it Mommy!! We have to be heated up in life so that we can pop and do our best for God!" In the words of a child, that's just it, isn't it?

We all face trials in this world. It's actually a promise we get from our Savior. (But you'll be hard pressed to find it in a cute little promise book!)  "In this world you will have trouble," Jesus said. "But take heart! I have overcome the world!!" John 16:33  So this silly popcorn analogy will apply to us all. You and I require intense situations for our potential to burst forth. But let's take another look into the bottom of the popcorn bowl:

Do you see what I see? There are some that remain hard and unpopped. {hard hearts} There are some that are partially cracked and some that have a tiny bit of white emerging. {1/2 hearted Christians} But I want to be fully popped, white, fluffy...a tasty mouthful to my Creator. I want to allow the heat of my trial to fully pop me! (Far be it from me to want to break anyone's teeth!) I want the aroma of my life to give off Christ Jesus to the world: For we are the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and to those who are perishing. II Corinthians 2:15  The heat is going to come...how will I pop?