Matthew is Going HOME!!!

Do you remember Matthew??? 
Well, I have some VERY EXCITING NEWS!!!
He has a family! And that family has FLOWN through the China adoption process!
And guess what?
Matthew ages out THIS THURSDAY...
but his new mama is getting on a plane TOMORROW to go get him!!!
YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to plea with you to pray for her.
She will be traveling to get "Matthew" whom will be named Levi Matthew, by herself.
But WE KNOW she isn't really going alone.
Jesus, Almighty God and lover of the fatherless, is leading her, guiding her, going ahead and behind her and filling her with His presence.
Please pray that nothing hinders her path to get Levi Matthew!!
I would also ask you to be in prayer for Matthew himself as ALL HE HAS EVER KNOWN in this world will drastically change.
Oh yes, he wants a family.
Oh yes, he wants to be adopted. To belong. To have a mama.
And he will...but there is such a loss also that dear Matthew will endure, that we really must uphold his precious heart and emotions in our prayers.
Suddenly all whom he has known, everything he has ever experienced, the food, the language even his name (his Chinese name is not Matthew) WILL UTTERLY CHANGE on a dime.
Once he comes to America, or perhaps even before, grief will need to be experienced. 
And as one who has walked the road of grief (albeit a different kind), I will tell you it is WORK.
HARD WORK.
Matthew (Levi Matthew that is!) will be desperate for our prayers. 
Please join me in praying for him, his adjustment, his grief work, his acclimation to his new family, his bonding time with his new mama in China, their details of the adoption to be smooth, their trip home and then ALL THAT IS AHEAD of them once he comes home.
You will probably want to read THIS POST from his amazing mother-to-be as she writes from her heart (on her family blog) about what song she will sing to her new son when they meet! (Oh, this post MELTS MY HEART!!!!) Be sure to follow their journey!
What a JOY: He is going home!! 

A Letter of Love to 2 Unknown Birth Mothers

Dear Unknown Birth Mothers of my Two Sons,

I do not know your names. I have not seen your faces. I do not know your stories.

But I love you.

You carried the flesh and blood of my two sons. You nourished, carried and hosted the miracle of life given to you by our amazing God.

You did not terminate the lives of my two children.

You could have.

You didn't.

I cannot thank you enough.

What hardship you endured, I cannot fathom.

You each loved of them so intensely.

I know you did. There are clues all about their stories that indicate your love.

You cared.

How it must have broken you in two to make the choice to allow someone (me) to come along in their future to raise them.

I cannot walk a mile in your shoes, but I respect you.

And I cannot stop thanking you.

The laughter and joy that Zeb brings my heart---oh how I wish you could know it too! Perhaps you treasure memories in your own heart on a day like this? Perhaps you think daily of your son you have lost. Wondering. Hoping.

I promise you: I will raise him as if you were here with me. Holding him in my arms when he is frightened.

Wiping his tears (and that ever runny nose) when he is hurt or sad.

Guiding his heart to trust.

Leading him to Jesus--where all sorrows melt into joy.

And to Toby's birth mother, oh you precious woman! How can I thank you for so carefully placing him in a spot where he would be immediately found?

Your heart knows exactly how old he is.

I understand...

I lost a son too. He would have been 6 1/2 now.

You know very well that your son is 2 1/2.

Please carry no guilt. You don't need that on top of a broken heart.

Know that I treasure Toby as my very own flesh and blood.

I promise to you as well: I will raise him as if you were here with me, looking over my shoulder, listening to how I comfort, train and teach.

And those scary things about his body that didn't look "right?"

Worry not! We are working with those and will be seen by the best doctors in the West for his condition. His differences are not scary for us (who had plenty of months to research and prepare), as they must have been terrifying for you. We are surrounded by supportive people who also have children like this. We are in good hands.

Oh how different it is when we CHOOSE a special need versus you who had it sprung upon you without warning or explanation.

I planted a rose bush in my garden for each of you:

Red for Toby's China mommy

It is a memorial garden to honor your memory. To teach my sons that they have been loved from their very beginnings.

A place for them to be when they feel they want to just thank you.

Or cry for you.

Or even be angry.

Pink roses for Zeb's Uganda Mommy

There is so much loss in adoption, but much gain.

You ladies each gave to them.

You gave to me.

And so today, on this Mother's Day, I honor you.

Sincerely,

Adoptive Mommy to your birth sons

Beautiful Things--Our Story

This is the video that God showed me in my mind while driving to an appointment earlier this week. "Beautiful Things" by Gungor came on the radio...and I watched the story of my life go by.

I was filled with joy and sheer awe. Tears were in my eyes and my heart was bursting!

Sometimes when you are living in a story, you don't always see the big picture!

God put this video together in my mind...and I came home and created what I saw. Special thanks to Brian Bagley for our airport homecoming footage!

As you see, Toby is patiently waiting for us to come for him. We are in the final weeks preparing to travel to bring him home! We still have $8,500 yet to raise in order to travel.

We have been graciously blessed by our church, Crossroads of Wauseon and Lifesong for Orphans, with a matching grant! Every amount given up to our grant will be DOUBLED! All money after that amount will come 100% to our adoption account payable for our adoption expenses. 

Will you prayerfully consider a gift to help us finish the task of bringing Toby home?

You can easily give online using the link on our sidebar: Lifesong for Orphans. Please follow the instructions below the picture.

However, if you would like to avoid the 1.9-2.9% Paypal service fee please write a check directly to Lifesong for Orphans. Your gift is tax deductible.  In following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non-profit organization. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor's suggested use. 

Mail checks to:

Lifesong for Orphans

PO Box 40

202 N. Ford St.

Gridley, IL 61744

Please write: Preference SHAW 3330 in the memo line.

We are forever grateful for the ways others have helped us fulfill what God has called us to do. In the words of Ashley Moreno,"We have been called to help heal, with God's help, a child who has suffered the profound damage of being unwanted and unloved. We are obediently living out the command given in James 1:27 to care for the orphan, clothing the gospel of Christ's redemption in flesh and blood. We are asking the body of Christ to come alongside us prayerfully and financially...to become part of the miracle of what God is doing!" 

Heartbroken...and on my knees

Like you, I am reeling in shock.

Those parents who gave a swift kiss on their little one's cheek as they ran out the door for the bus...now reeling from the horrible phone call.

Their sweet one...

                          ...now dead.

And guess what? They probably have presents wrapped in their closets for those kids.

Christmastime and death and children should NEVER be in the same sentence.

Yet that's what our headlines read.

CNN.com photo of Chinese stabbing victim

Connecticut and China both.

That's right. Friday December 14, 2012 will be remembered as a day of massacre on children in their schools. Gun or knife...did it matter??

CNN.com photo taken outside Sandy Hook Elementary

I have nothing great to say other than I too have buried a child around Christmas.

It sucks.

Forever.

Everytime those ornaments go up on the tree. Everytime I sing "Sleep in heavenly peace..." Everytime the dates of December 28, 29 and 30 come...I am smothered by my grief over my son.

These families will now be smothered in grief as well.

Some will say, "How can God exist if such things happen?" But the answer or the blame does not go to the loving Creator of it all but rather His sworn enemy.

Satan is out to "steal, kill and destroy." (John 10:10) And when a person's down, he doesn't give them a break, he kicks them in the teeth. I know. I'm currently "toothless."

We live in a broken world. We are a broken people. We are in such DESPERATE need for saving. We cannot do the saving. We need someone BIGGER. Someone not broken. Someone who can reach in and solve this mess.

And. He. Did.

And we celebrate it when?

Christmas.

Suddenly things come a full circle. It sure doesn't stop the pain, heartache, shock or anger. But it IS full of hope.

We have HOPE that we are not left to ourselves.

We have HOPE that One bigger and perfect can rescue us.

We have HOPE that one day Jesus will return for us.

We have HOPE that we will see restoration.

In the meantime, we battle the evil in this world, protect those we love, and fall to our knees in prayer.


Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Dichotomy of Sons

I snuggle down a bit deeper into the old rocker and breathe deeply. I smell the freshly washed tight curls that cover his head. Strawberry and coconut. Mmmmm. What a blessing this moment is.

Five years.

I hear the words echo in my head as I rock this snuggled in, jammied one who clings to me with his warm, dark fingers.

It's been five years.

I am aware on so many levels the way time passes and yet does not impact the deeper pockets of pain that I carry. I am indented with the wounds that death has inflicted, yet I daily live full of love.

Dichotomy.

I rock this child and hold him tighter, if it's even possible. He says nothing, just cuddles his face into my neck. We love one another. We are together.

It is December 29th. A night of deepest searing pain for me 5 years ago. A day when the sun went black. A third pregnancy ending in horror. And this time, we'd made it to 39 weeks.

But now...we've rolled ahead five years. Now I sit holding a child from Africa in my lap. Freshly bathed and read to, he clings to me as if he knows I need it.

"Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19

One son is gone from me, another is snuggled in.

One is from my own body, the other from someone else's...whom I will never know.

One son lives with Jesus, another is here waiting to learn about Him from me.

One son taught me so much by his leaving, another here has taught me much by his arrival.

Believe it or not, I am comforted by the fact that I do not understand the ways of God. Scripture says His ways are higher than ours, His thoughts, higher than our thoughts. I take comfort in this. I do not want to know why.

I simultaneously ache from the pain in my heart from Oskar who left me too quickly and delight in the armful of love I have on my lap who looks at me with deep dark eyes and stutters out, "M-m-m-mommy, I l-l-l-l-ove you."


Thank you, Lord. For all of it.