What NOT to Say/What TO SAY to a Friend Who Has Miscarried--A Guide for Helping

I spent a bit of my Sunday afternoon in the ER waiting room with a friend's children while their mommy was inside.
She was getting the news that would devastate her heart.
She had indeed miscarried her baby.
oh.
Fortunately her husband was able to be there with her when the nasty news was confirmed. I am so grateful for that.
She rounded the corner and fell into my arms and sobbed.
There is no pain like that of losing a child.
And yes, a miscarriage COUNTS.
It matters not how far you are along in your pregnancy.
Trust me. I've lost three babies. Three different trimesters.
THEY. ALL. HURT.
So to you who know someone who has just miscarried a baby, I want to help you know what to say and what NOT to say. How to love on a friend or family member who has entrusted YOU with the knowledge that they are grieving the loss of their baby is a big responsibility. Your heart is right. You care. Let's go down this list together:
Here's what NOT TO SAY:
* "You can always have another baby." No. Not always. And this comment is NOT encouraging as it gives no credence to the fact that she just lost a child. A unique life that will never ever be replicated.
* "Well at least you weren't that far along." Think this makes her pain less? Wrong. The NANO-SECOND a mother learns she is carrying life within her she falls in love. The bonding of a woman with her child in utero defies words. If she only knew of her child one DAY it would still hurt.
* "Well, I knew a woman once who miscarried FIVE babies in a row!" Don't do this. Please. You have just shrunk your friend's very real and tangible pain by this story. Granted, this is indeed a horrifying story.  You do NOT need to share every story you know with her. Not to mention this causes fear in her heart that maybe it will happen again to her. She doesn't need that.
* "This too shall pass/You'll get over it." Um, huh? Please. Just pray that God will hold his hand over your mouth instead. This is her grief work, not yours. You won't help her by telling her this will pass and she'll get over it.
*"At least you already have 2 (or however many) healthy children!" Yes, she is grateful. But this is NOT comforting in the loss of this baby. She lost THIS BABY. She misses this one. Don't count her blessings FOR her. She will do it on her own. *"There was probably something wrong with the baby, that's why this happened. It's nature's way of cleansing." This is NOT helpful. But so dreadfully common! Do you see that this is implying that a child who is born with a birth defect or a special need is a lesser person? Less deserving of life? Do you see that this is under the category of what NOT TO SAY? Please, hold your tongue here too. Trying to NOT get on my soapbox...
*"These things happen for a reason..." Usually followed by a little pat-pat on the hand. Honestly? I hate that. It feels like you've just blown off the depth of the pain she's enduring. Just put your hand on her back and be silent.
*"Will you try again soon?" Honestly, I cannot fathom anyone asking such a question. But my friend told me this was one of the things that really put her under. Dudes, don't ask. None of your business.
*"Maybe you should look into adoption." As a mom of biological children, who has lost three times and now adopted children...this is not a suggestion you should make to a grieving mother. Adoption is not a second string plan of building a family. I know plenty of families who choose adoption before even attempting to have biological children. Adoption is a personal decision, not something anyone should suggest someone else do.
*"Maybe it was something you did?" this comment has been followed by a person's experience of doing hard labor--scrubbing floors or something. As if we could kill our children by cleaning. (Please, if this were true there would be no children born to impoverished mothers in third world countries who must cut down trees for charcoal and work in the rice paddies.) This is pretty far off in left field for someone to say such a thing, but I am not making these up. I'm not. Really.
*"Maybe this just isn't the right time for your family." OR "Well you really weren't in a good position for a baby right now." This is also not a real nice thing to say to a grieving mother. I promise you, she would move all heaven to be with that baby right now. Convenience doesn't matter. A mother's grieving heart is going to think of these things anyway...and possibly wonder with a guilty conscience that she actually WISHED her child away...
*"Now you have a guardian angel looking down on you." This is just theologically incorrect. People who die do not become angels. It's a sweet thought, but wrong. Please don't say this. See below for what to say instead of this one.
*"Call me if you need anything." She will not call. No woman I know who is hurting can muster up the memory of WHO said that to her let alone what in the world to ask for. And even if she could remember, she's not going to call you and ask if you'd just bring her some comfort food.

WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY/DO TO A FRIEND WHO HAS MISCARRIED:
*"I'm so sorry." She is too. You've just joined her where she is. This is comforting.
*"This hurts." You don't have to have had this same experience to acknowledge that this hurts. If you meet someone who has just had their leg cut off in a motorcycle accident you don't have to  have had yours cut off too to recognize that this hurts. Acknowledging her hurt allows her to be honest where she is.
*"Your baby is a treasured creation of God. His or her life is not lost. They are safe in the arms of Jesus." Truth. You can never go wrong.
*"Can I take your other children for a few hours this week?" 
*"I'm bringing you a meal. Is it okay for _____day? What time do you typically eat?"
* Be silent. Give her a hug. Rub her shoulder. 
*If she is in the mood to talk--LISTEN. Ask her how she is feeling. If she answers about how she feels physically, listen. If she answers how she is feeling emotionally, listen. Ask her about the one she did not answer. Give her the option not to answer: say, "If you'd rather not talk now, I understand." Follow with a hug.
*If you have lost a child yourself, share this with her if you are comfortable. There is a great community of mothers who have miscarried. It's a silent community as we do not wear a badge to mark us, but we are many and we are out there. When you share your story, be sensitive to not go on and on. This is HER TIME now. Just let her know that you have experienced it too. Call her over the next weeks and check in with her.
*Send her a card. 
*Remind her of the ever-present love of Jesus. Sit down and write out some of the verses that YOU like when things are rough or you don't understand. Sharing from your heart is a wonderful gift.
*Call her in a week and specifically ask her how her heart is doing. Ask her how she is physically feeling. Ask if she's sleeping. Would she like to go out for coffee/ice cream? Set a reminder on your phone to do this. It sounds robotic, but seriously, we get so lost in our own lives...it's not that we don't care...but we get busy and soaked in with OURSELVES. When your reminder comes up, your heart will be refueled with compassion and your friend will treasure that you have remembered her.
*Go over to her house and clean some bathrooms. Fold a load or two of laundry. Tidy some rooms. Wipe down some countertops. Blow through the kitchen with a broom. A tidy environment always is encouraging! She is then not surrounded by the negative "to do" list staring her in the face!
Can you add anything to the list above? Comment below and help me make this list more complete!!

Beautiful Things--Our Story

This is the video that God showed me in my mind while driving to an appointment earlier this week. "Beautiful Things" by Gungor came on the radio...and I watched the story of my life go by.

I was filled with joy and sheer awe. Tears were in my eyes and my heart was bursting!

Sometimes when you are living in a story, you don't always see the big picture!

God put this video together in my mind...and I came home and created what I saw. Special thanks to Brian Bagley for our airport homecoming footage!

As you see, Toby is patiently waiting for us to come for him. We are in the final weeks preparing to travel to bring him home! We still have $8,500 yet to raise in order to travel.

We have been graciously blessed by our church, Crossroads of Wauseon and Lifesong for Orphans, with a matching grant! Every amount given up to our grant will be DOUBLED! All money after that amount will come 100% to our adoption account payable for our adoption expenses. 

Will you prayerfully consider a gift to help us finish the task of bringing Toby home?

You can easily give online using the link on our sidebar: Lifesong for Orphans. Please follow the instructions below the picture.

However, if you would like to avoid the 1.9-2.9% Paypal service fee please write a check directly to Lifesong for Orphans. Your gift is tax deductible.  In following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non-profit organization. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor's suggested use. 

Mail checks to:

Lifesong for Orphans

PO Box 40

202 N. Ford St.

Gridley, IL 61744

Please write: Preference SHAW 3330 in the memo line.

We are forever grateful for the ways others have helped us fulfill what God has called us to do. In the words of Ashley Moreno,"We have been called to help heal, with God's help, a child who has suffered the profound damage of being unwanted and unloved. We are obediently living out the command given in James 1:27 to care for the orphan, clothing the gospel of Christ's redemption in flesh and blood. We are asking the body of Christ to come alongside us prayerfully and financially...to become part of the miracle of what God is doing!" 

Life after Losing a Child

Everyone has pain.

Not everyone heals and shines afterwards. So, what is the difference? How can some come through life-altering tragedies with a song in their heart and a spring in their step while others are broken, bitter and angry for life?

The depth of the pain, the reality of the experience, and the joy of the healing--it's all REAL. And I want to tell you about it.

After our first child died (Anneli's twin, Timothy, at 22 weeks gestation) I recognized the need to walk through grief. I had been given the name and telephone number of a woman who had also lost a twin child while still pregnant and proceeded to give live birth to the second twin. I dialed the number and listened as this woman recounted her story. Our losses were similar. But something was different...she was the most bitter person I had ever come into contact with.

"How can I not be bitter?" I asked myself and God. The biggest thing I learned from this woman was that I didn't want to be like her.

Shortly before I became pregnant with the twins I had read and prayed a verse from I Corinthians chapter 3. It talks about building up on your foundation of Jesus. It says,

"If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person's work." verses 12-13

I noted how gold, silver and costly stones were not readily available. But that wood, hay and straw were. Anyone could just go for a walk and pick up those latter three for free along the way. It is much harder to acquire gold, silver and costly stones. They aren't just lying around for the taking! This makes them precious.

So I prayed that I would have a faith full of

gold

silver

and costly stones.

And then my dream of twins came crashing to a tragic end. He was gone. There was nothing we could do but watch his body get smaller and smaller on every subsequent ultrasound. It was painful, of course, but for a girl who'd prayed to have twins since childhood, it was pure torture.

This bitter woman showing me what I could potentially look like two years down the road. I didn't want to be like her. Enter the verse from Isaiah...

I will give you the treasures of darkness, 

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

                                             Isaiah 45:3

I realized that those costly stones were the very same "treasures of darkness" and that they were as good as "riches stored in secret places." If I wanted to have faith that was marked of such things as gold, silver and costly stones, then I needed to go digging. Digging/mining into the tragedy God allowed into my life.

I truly believe that God has gifts for us in our tragedies. No one will escape pain in life. It's true. Jesus said so!  I went after those gifts hidden in the darkness of tragedy as if my life depended upon it. For me, this meant reading books about others' losses, crying extensively, journaling, writing poetry and talking with trusted friends.

Each time we lost a child, I learned more. By the time of Oskar's homegoing, I was a well experienced griever. I already had hammered through the question, "Why is this happening to me if God is good?" and I knew He was with me. Because of my prior experience in grief, I got to skip through some of the initial stages.

Grief is a cyclical process. You can study the different stages of it, but you will realize that they do not come to you in any particular order. And once they've gone, this doesn't mean they won't be back. But here's what I found encouraging: each time the same stage revisited me, I was different. Greater amounts of gold had been added to my foundation. I was newly equipped with what it took to rise to the next level in the cycle. Like a winding staircase that keeps passing "north," my grief had been here before, but felt a little different. I was a little different. I saw change. I saw growth in myself and this was encouraging.

If you are going through something painful in your life, what are you doing with your grief? Are you choosing to chew on it like a cow chews its cud? Are you letting bitterness fester in your heart? Are you slamming the door on your faith because you cannot fathom how God could let this happen to you?

I cry out to you: come in your pain to Jesus.

He is bigger than you, and therefore He does not need to explain His choices to you. This is so hard for us, because we rest on our logic. We have this thing for needing to understand. But sometimes, in the economy of God, we simply cannot. Give that "right" over.

He is more loving than you can possibly imagine, whether or not you believe this. His love is so deep and long and wide and high that no angel or demon or sin or tragedy can divide, pull, remove or dissolve God's love for us. (see Romans 8:38-39)

As crazy as it may seem against the backdrop of your tragedy, God has a plan for your life.

Listen to these sweet words from Isaiah chapter 35:

Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.

The burning sand will become a pool

the thirsty ground bubbling springs.

In the haunts where jackals once lay,

grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

I love that!! In the very place where your pain now resides, God will redeem it with good things. Has He given my babies back to me from the dead? No. Has He given me another set of twins? Not yet. But He has done something beautiful--

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of BEAUTY for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair." Isaiah 61:3

Delight in the hope and promise from this Scripture from Psalm 126:5-6 as well:

Those who plant in tears will harvest with SHOUTS OF JOY. Those who went off with HEAVY HEARTS will come home LAUGHING, with ARMLOADS OF BLESSING." 

Come view your tragedy as an opportunity. An invitation for you to come and mine in the secret places. This is off the beaten path. It's a place that not all will dare to go. But you will. You will not allow this tragedy to crush you. You will NOT allow this wound to mar you so that you permanently limp.

Not everyone will emerge with deepened faith. 

But some do. Will you?