Swept off my feet...by Mr. Virus

Immediately after Zeb's adoption became permanent we traveled home.

Home.

That word just has a lovely ring to it, doesn't it?

Home to where we both grew up. It will always be home to us. :)

The next morning I pushed through a normally fun workout.

But...it felt overly hard.

I took Anneli shopping. I felt overly exhausted.

My muscles hurt.

I felt as though I might pass out.

I had eaten properly but grabbed a healthy snack anyway. (Oh thank you Trader Joe, might you come open a store near me??? Please pretty, please??)

The snack didn't help.

By that afternoon I was seeking solace on a front room sofa of the home where we were partying for my niece.

Pain had begun.

I don't know what the name of this Mr. Virus was, but he took me down.

Hard.
I laid in bed for 4 days. Writhing in pain for a good day and a half.

No appetite.

No energy.

Just serious stomach cramping and back muscle pain.

I could do nothing.

Easter came and went.

I could hear the family gathering in the outer rooms.

Laughter, dogs barking as they played, children's pitter pattering feet and squeals of delight!

Apparently Easter happened.

The next day I watched on Facebook (via phone) all the lovely family pictures taken in outfits of lovely pastel hues. I never even saw my children the entire day. It was that bad.

Fortunately for me, we have a Kindle! I re-read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, watched the entire season of Downton Abbey and read another 450 page novel after that!

Today, I got up.
(Yes, somewhere in there we drove the 3 hours home. But it took 4. Don't ask.)

Have you ever felt like your days are mundane?

Wonder if maybe your work really may not matter?

Has your spouse ever come home and asked, "So honey, what did you do today?" and you know you were busy but couldn't really point to any one thing?

Ever felt that?

When I got up today, I realized one thing quite clearly:

 MY WORK MATTERS.

OMW.

Like for real.

Nothing Very little had been unpacked.


Nothing Very little had been put away.


Nothing Very little had been tidied.


And...no laundry had been washed.

Multiply that times 7 people, take out 1 for illness and multiply times 100 for the work that she normally performs on behalf of the other 6 and well...you get a royal disaster.

My point is...

the daily tasks of "keeping house" and shaping the lives of children may not LOOK like much, but it is.

Oh, how it is.

And sometimes it takes a nasty Mr. Virus to sweep me off my feet for me to understand that no matter how repetitive it may seem, my work matters.

Point taken.

Lesson learned.

Mr. Virus, will you please go now?!

(Truth be told, I have laundry to heave up and down stairs, beds to change, a vacuum to run, floors to sweep but it took me forever and a day just to clean the kitchen and I needed a break...so you got a blog post!!)


*I must take a moment to specially thank my amazing husband who DID do so very much while I laid there on the bed in agony. He called off work so I wouldn't have to travel in my condition. And to my extended family as well. Easter memories were not denied any of my children! And a special thanks to a dear KM who took amazing care of me after we came back to our house once Brian and kids returned to work/school!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! I am humbled by your love and acts of service. I could not have survived without you. Bless you all!!! 

Raw and Real

With a post title like that, you know it's gonna be ugly.

Dontcha?
I cannot bring myself to blog often. Let me be raw and real with you: parenting two toddlers who are stagger stepped in age by 7 months is nothing short of HARD, THANKLESS WORK.

We have come to realize that adoption is not all it's cracked up to be. Well, we have given a very needy child a home, more importantly a family...and we've given ourselves more and more WORK.

Better look at that with some "Christian-ese" right? We've given ourselves "more opportunity to trust God."

I think that is what most people would say. That sure sounds better than, "Man this is WAAAAY harder than I ever dreamed!!"

I have discovered that I truly love the IDEA of adoption but the actual work of adoption, not so much. I love the idea of rallying people to help, but the actual helping part, well...that's what I've rallied people together for, right?

Please do not misread me: I love adoption! And I adore Zareb!!! (The children waiting for families break my heart daily!)

But I am NOT liking the discomfort adoption causes in my life. It's clipped my wings in every sense of the word. 

One of the most challenging seasons I have faced, this first 5 months home has been full of so much. And the bulk of it I cannot share. Just know that if you've felt a burden to pray for our family, we have and still do indeed need it.

Something I have come face to face with about myself is that I am a visionary. That's great and awesome when a group needs a leader. When people need motivated. It's great when direction needs to be found. But it's not so great when life is so repetitive, exhausting and well, daily. (You've heard this before from me lately haven't you?)

I have been given hope by those who listen as I bare my soul that God is working on me. At first this thought shocked me. I truly thought NOTHING GOOD was happening. We are not progressing in potty training, I am not progressing in my patience level, I am not doing anything different than I did 4 weeks ago. (I really need to see PROGRESS in order to keep going!) But here it was from two different sources:

"God is working in you. Doing a great thing. He's getting you READY."

Really???

My soul perks up at this. Hope. I feel the lightness of the wind of hope blowing gently into my sails.

God might truly be changing me through...this???

I have now observed myself able to clean up giardia-filled diarrhea that spills out of diapers without losing my head. I stayed up till 2 am last night rocking a feverish Zebby filled with nothing but love and adoration for him. (Previously, I am QUITE SURE I would have been far more worried about how I'd survive the next day because of my "sacrifice!" Blech!) I've knelt down and tried to patiently decipher his stammering sentences. And we've made it out the door for the bus this week with everyone in happy moods and we haven't even missed the bus once this week.

Could it be true?

God is working on me in this...daily nothingness?

YES. It comes to me resoundingly.

Also that I am not surrounded by mundane. This is not "nothingness." I am given a front row seat to the metamorphic changes in a former orphan and a selfish woman. These are the building block moments for his life. These are the slow one-step-forward-two-steps-back days of healing. And for our little Darrah Kate as well. These are the moments that provide them a good strong, solid start in life that they need. The solid base of love they need to know is always here. Their God-infused years of toddlerhood that launch them into life.

This gives me the hope and encouragement to carry on. To see this thing through. To love without measure. To trust my exhaustion and personal needs into the hands of my Savior. He's promised to not only never leave me, but meet all my needs according to His riches (not in accordance to my lack!).

And there I rest.

Time to dole out a snack and change the laundry over. And stop these two from fighting over the Barbie laptop.