Why Older Child Adoption is So Hard

Jesus is the Light, our Hope

Older child adoption is a beautiful thing...but at the same time it's a deeply hard thing.
And when the face of the child is SO beautiful, SO smiley, NO ONE CAN IMAGINE that it's not all sunny and rosy all the time.
But it's not.
Plain and simple.
When you've fended for yourself for ten long years, in an institutional environment, you learn to survive.
And those skills? They were reinforced again and again in her previous life. They are what made her STAY ALIVE.
You have your life whirl-winded off to another land, another culture, language...you wear different clothes, eat different foods, go by a different name, begin new things like walking, school and self care...
but the old habits are still lying underneath. Ready to rear their ugly heads.
Ready to be employed when deep emotions start to surface.
They worked before! They will work again!
But, well, not so much.
Not here. Not in a family.
My sweet friend sent me a message today. Her perspective on parenting and WHY this might be so hard:
Deeply praying for you all during what looks like a potentially long hard road with her. It's obviously a heart issue...and she's had less than one year of her 11 years of ANYONE teaching her what that even means. You're stuck/privileged (depends on the day how you see it, I'm sure) with having to make up for 10+ years of no one teaching her right and wrong and positive vs negative attention and lying and how to be in a family and the list of what we teach our kids is soooooo long!!! It's hard enough when we get to start from the beginning of their lives! Praying for wisdom and endurance and extra measures of grace for you to give to her, and a softening and opening of her heart to all you've been trying to teach her in these last 10 months!
And isn't that the truth? It's HARD when we start with our children at birth! Let alone massive trauma at the front end! And don't forget to factor in atrocities suffered in the years while waiting for a family. How could we think that we can teach her what she needs in a few months?
We don't. But, on a daily practical basis, we expect things from her to keep our family functioning...afterall she's CAPABLE, but then again...she's not because of so many, many factors.
Older child adoption is hard because we are starting past the middle! We've lost formative years, laying groundwork and building trust. Trying to go backward to fit it in doesn't work because there are paradigms pre-existing in those places in her brain...and they were critical to her survival. I can't in one word, one week, one month, one year say ANYTHING to debunk them. 
It's a slow, plodding work.
Times like these I see the inside out yuck of my own black heart and sit in awed wonder at the grace God has on ME.
Please pray for Esty. Pray for us as her parents. Pray for her siblings. These things affect us all, wear on us all and we need to remember that we are called to this, no matter what.  (This is why adoption is intense ministry!)

We must cling to the hope of Christ in it all.

You Cannot Change the World with a Click

Surprise, surprise! You cannot change the world with a click of the "Share" button on Facebook.

But oh, we'd love that wouldn't we?

We could sit back on our comfy sofas, think about ourselves and our needs, have a heart for 30 minutes for the world and click "Share" and feel GOOD that we've done our part in saving the world and then go back to our self indulgence.

Although we would LIKE that, it isn't like that. And for good reason. Wow. Imagine how much MORE full of ourselves we would become! Already our country is at a dangerous state of comfort, self indulgence and ethnocentrism.


Let me let you in on what has been brewing in my mind since last night.

As I watched a very well made movie by a talented man about Joseph Kony, it hit on a very tender nerve for me: suffering children. I looked at several things before I posted and gave my social support, but I certainly did not look into the sponsoring group's method of handling donations. And as time has given my brain time to percolate, I've considered that maybe I don't want to help make an evil man famous. The end goal of the video Kony 2012 is to raise awareness in the US so that our leadership will send/maintain troops in Africa to help find Kony. At first glance this seems great. But I've begun to wonder, is this the BEST way? I am not doubting our militia/intelligence, I'm just wondering if this targeted method by Jason Russell is the best way to end this horrifying war and crimes against humanity.

The idea of the Kony 2012 video is great: let's do SOMETHING to help. Let's rally our voices, utilize our social media tools and move our leadership to solve the problem. I like this. I do. But reality is that things are complicated. Things are not so black and white and "just click here" to solve the problem.

The thing is, this has been going on for 26 years. TWENTY SIX YEARS. The idea of removing Kony is a great one, it will not solve all the problems borne from this crisis any more than our adoption of one orphan solved the orphan crisis for the entire planet.

Reality is, this is a VERY COMPLICATED MATTER. We cannot sit at home and judge the best way to solve such things anymore than we can read a friend's status update that she's a bit blue and tell her exactly how to get over it.


WE CANNOT FIX AFRICA. ONLY JESUS CAN.

And He can! Oh yes He can! And His healing will be one heart at a time.

I am so glad we have all become aware of this war criminal and the people who have been victimized. They need our prayers. And shocking as it may be, Joseph Kony needs our prayers. He must be stopped and then he needs some serious mercy. It is counter my all human nature to want to pray FOR him, but we can rest in the knowledge that our God is JUST. He is also forgiving, and these matters are only between Kony and the Almighty. We are commanded to pray for our enemies. And I qualify him as my enemy because I align myself with the helpless children.

So, if clicking "share" on Facebook isn't going to solve the LRA problem and tweeting to get Kony famous isn't going to do it, what will?

So glad you asked.

I don't know.

But I do know this, it won't be easy. It will require sacrifice. It will require involvement. Two things we Americans just really don't want to do very much, do we?

Here's a story I came across today, of a woman becoming DOWNWARDLY MOBILE for the sake of Christ. She literally moved into a trailer park to better minister to fringe people for whom God had burdened her heart.

Ah. Now that involves sacrifice. That involves involvement!

See here's the thing, if saving my soul from sin cost my Savior EVERYTHING...why on earth would I assume I could get off scot free by an easy road? If I want to walk with Jesus, doing the work He has for me in this world, it will cost me. (Click here if you want to read Jesus say it in His own words.)

I do not have any answers about what needs to be done. I think the people who have been studying this problem don't know either. But I DO respect them, after all they haven't looked at a problem and shied away from it because it was too hard. They invented a solution. It may or may not be the right one, but they got involved. And although I may not get behind them 100%, I sure respect them for sticking their neck out and working for change.

I want to be keeping my eyes on Jesus and march when He says march. And He just might. I'm just waiting for the word.